Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronices
by Shannon Murphy
Summary: Red vs Blue parody AU. Two waring armies, two platoons of all-female soldiers, one box canyon.
1. 1,1: Why Are We Here?

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 1: Why Are We Here?**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

Mahora Gulch. A small, boxed canyon floating on a ring-shaped planet in the middle of space. Two rivaling military organizations, creatively named Red Army and Blue Army, had plenty of outposts in several remote locations spanning throughout a galaxy or two. Human rivalries; nothing big, just one of the normal little civil skirmishes throughout history. The Sharks and the Jets, the Capulets and the Montagues. Except this was real, and there were a plenty more explosives this time around.

Two small bases were stationed by both armies inside Mahora Gulch; the designs exactly the same, as if one army had stolen the designs for the other, somehow got hold of the same materials, and made an exact duplicate, but cleverly flipped the designs and added a touch of their own color. Red base was located on the west side of the canyon, leaving the Blue base on the East, caves and hills located within the rocks off to the sides, but otherwise interesting things were few and far between.

And boy, did both teams know it.

Mahora Gulch's outposts for both sides were a little odd in that instead of males, both bases were populated entirely by female soldiers. The male-to-female ratio in both armies were three to one, so it almost seems like a higher-up intervened to allow all-female squads on both sides, likely with the hopes of something lesbian-esque to happen along the way. Sadly, both sides seemed to dysfunctional for that.

It was another fairly normal day in the canyon of unchanging hot temperature for the Red Team. Their commander was to arrive shortly later in the day, leaving Private First Class Ayaka Yukihiro and Private Asuna Kagurazaka to stand guard on top of the base. The only sound was the wind and their breathing, while birds from unknown origin chirped. Nobody could ever find those damn birds.

Ayaka took this opportunity to strike up a conversation with the only person there, even if half the time the two couldn't stand one another.

"Hey."

Asuna glanced up at Ayaka, as if she had just woken up from a nap. "Yeah?"

"Do you ever wonder why we're here?"

Asuna turned her gaze back to the sky, as if in deep thought. "It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it?" She turned her head back to Ayaka. "Why are we here?" This time, her body changed positions so her entire self was facing her comrade. "I mean, are we a product of...I don't know, some cosmic coincidence, or is there really a God, watching everything? With a plan for us and all that." Asuna stared out into the canyon once more. "I don't know, Ayaka, but it keeps me up at night."

A long, uneasy silence settled in.

"What?" Ayaka quirked a brow.

"Huh?" Asuna snapped her head back.

"I meant, why are we out here, in this canyon?" Ayaka folded her arms, watching Asuna turn away, flustered by the misunderstanding. "What were all those things about God?"

"Th-they were nothing," Asuna quickly retorted.

Ayaka began to turn her head away, but then it returned to its previous spot. "You wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"...you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure."

Despite the fact Asuna still hadn't turned her back away from Ayaka yet, Ayaka continued on. "But really. Why are we out here? As far as I can tell, it's a box canyon, in the middle of nowhere, no way in, no way out."

Asuna only let out a soft noise in response.

"The only reason we have a Red base over here, is because they have a Blue base over there. And the only reason they have a Blue base over there, is because we have a Red base over here."

Asuna finally made eye contact with her partner. "Duh. We're fighting eachother."

"But think about this--if we were to pull out right now, and the Blues took our base, they'd have two bases in the middle of a box canyon." Ayaka rolled her eyes. "Whoop-de-doo."

"Why are we fighting them anyway? I mean, when I signed up I wanted to get the chance to fight demons or something interesting, but then Nagi Springfield comes out of nowhere and boom! Little fuckers are gone, and now I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of Blue guys."

* * *

That was the last bit of conversation Private Chisame Hasegawa of the Blue Army bothered to pay attention to through the scope of her rarely used sniper rifle. She didn't even know if the damn thing shot successfully or not; all she did was use the telescope function on it.

Private First Class Haruna Saotome attempted to peek into the scope, adjusted her glasses. "What're they doing down there?"

Chisame glanced up, furrowing her brow and the return of Haruna's voice. "...what?"

"I asked you, what're they doing now?" Haruna attempted to get a hold of the sniper rifle, before Chisame quickly jerked the bulky weaponry away.

"God dammit!!" Chisame cursed, "I'm getting so sick of answering that question!" Her eyes darted away from her partner, because she felt if she had another look at her she would get a nice punch in the jaw.

Haruna's hands quickly moved to her hips. "Hey, you have the fucking rifle, I can't see shit. Don't bitch at me because I'm not going to just sit up here and finger myself all day."

Chisame growled quietly to herself, before slowly returning her eyes to Haruna. "Okay. Look. They're just standing there. And talking. Okay? That's all they're doing. That's all they ever do, is just stand there. And talk. That's what they were doing last week. That's what they were doing five minutes ago. So five minutes from now, when you ask me, 'what are they doing', my answer's gonna be, 'they're still just talking, and they're still just standing there!!'" Chisame quickly and angrily turned herself back to her weapon.

A moment of silence passed, before Haruna asked, "What're they talking about?"

Chisame felt the rifle crack slightly under her grip. "You know what? I fucking hate you."

* * *

Unaware of the conversation above, Asuna and Ayaka continued yammering away in a conversation that didn't end in sudden bickering.

"Talk about a waste of resources," Asuna sighed. "We should be out there finding new, intelligent life forms or something. Then everybody can go fight them."

"No shit," Ayaka said, in one of those rare moments where she became relaxed enough to swear, "That's why we should be in charge."

Their commander's sharp voice suddenly rang into their ears.

"Men!!" the tall blonde woman, Sergeant Evangeline A.K. McDowell, shouted at her subordinates, "Front and center, on the double!!"

"Fuck me," Asuna murmured.

"Yes sir!" came Ayaka's response. The two privates used the conveniently placed ramp to slide onto the canyon sand.

"Hurry up, men; this ain't no ice cream social!" Evangeline spat.

"What's a--"

"Stop the pillow talk, you two." Evangeline tilted her head back slightly, in an annoyed fashion, eyebrow quirked. "Anyone want to take a guess, as to why I gathered you out here, today?"

"Uh..." Ayaka and Asuna took a quick glance at eachother, before Asuna responded, "Um, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?"

A spark of annoyance flared up in the sergeant's eyes before she smiled. "That's exactly it, private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float, and Yukihiro here..." Her face suddenly turned violent, as she screamed, "IS IN CHARGE OF CONFETTI!!"

Asuna's eyes widened, not by the emotion, but the volume. Sarge, as they normally called Evangeline, often was prone to violent outbursts like that. Ayaka was convinced it was old age, but Evangeline looked no more than 25. "I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir."

"Private, shut your mouth or else I'll have Yukihiro slit your throat while you're asleep," Evangeline threatened.

"I'd do it, too," Ayaka smiled, gently putting her hand to her chest before shooting a mischievous smile at Asuna.

"I know you would, Yukihiro. Good man." It was a peculiar thing about Evangeline, switching their genders for no real reason, probably to compensate for the fact normal disgruntled sergeants called their recruits "ladies", which wouldn't really work in this particular situation.

"Couple things today, men." Evangeline turned to face away from her soldiers. "Command has seen fit to increase our ranks her at Blood Gulch Outpost Number 1."

Asuna moaned. "Crap. We're getting a rookie."

"That's right dead man." Evangeline smirked. "Our new recruit will be here within the week. Hopefully an actual man this time... Chachamaru. Bring up the vehicle."

The robot, manufactured by Evangeline herself, pulled up a jeep with a gun turret attached to the back end (with enough room to stand to operate the weapon) over the hilltop. Ayaka and Asuna quickly had a shotgun battle, with Ayaka's vocal reflexes winning in the end.

"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance vehicle. Four inch armor plating, an extra one-inch magic barrier...maaag buffer suspension...a mounted machine gunner position with barrier-piercing bullets, and seating for three!" Evangeline patted the hood of the vehicle. "Ladies, this is the M12-LRV!" With pride, the sergeant quickly examined the armor plating. "...I like to call it the Warthog."

Ayaka raised her hand slowly. "Uh, why Warthog, sir?"

"Because M12-LRV is too hard to say in conversation."

"No, but...why Warthog?" Asuna began, unconvinced by the answer. "I mean...it doesn't really look like a pig."

Evangeline glared at her least favorite private. "Say that again."

"I think it looks more like a..." Asuna quickly examined the car. "A puma."

Evangeline stopped, thought momentarily, then bit at her lip. "What in Sam Hill is a puma?"

Ayaka pretended to mull over this for a second, although she knew damn well what a puma was. "You mean, like the shoe company?"

Asuna groaned. "No, like a puma. It's a big cat, you know, like a lion."

Evangeline's glare became harder. "You're making that up, aren't you."

"Hey!! It's a real animal!!" Asuna shouted.

The sergeant quickly glanced at Ayaka. "Yukihiro, I want you to poison Kagurazaka's next meal." The request was replied with a 'yes sir' from Ayaka.

"See these two tow hooks?" Evangeline crouched to emphasize her point. "They look like tusks. And what kind of animal...has tusks?"

"A walrus."

"Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?!" Evangeline barked.

* * *

As they had been for the past five or so minutes, Chisame and Haruna were still positioned on their small cliff hideout.

"Hey," Haruna pointed at the vehicle below, "What's that?"

"Ah...looks like some sort of car or something. We should probably report it back to command, or something."

"Why the hell do they get a car?"

"Haruna, we're getting a tank next drop."

"Yeah but...dudes aren't into chicks with tanks."

Chisame, even though she had calmed down, quickly felt her anger swell up once again. "Oh, you know what; you could bitch about anything, couldn't you. We're gonna get a tank, and you're worried about guys. What guys are we gonna get out here?!"

Haruna shrugged in response.

"And secondly, we can't pick up guys in a damn car that looks like that either!!"

"...hey, what kind of car is it?"

"I don't know, I've never seen a car that looks like that before. It looks like a big cat of some kind."

"What, like a puma?"

"Yeah, something like that."

* * *

"So!" Evangeline slammed her fist against the hood of the vehicle. "Unless anybody else has any more mythical creatures to suggest as a name for the new vehicle, we're gonna stick with 'the Warthog'." She took a step closer to Asuna. "Is that okay, Kagurazaka?"

"It's fine," the red-head private responded dispassionately.

"Are you sure? How about Bigfoot?"

"That's okay."

"Unicorn?"

"It's fine."

"Sasquatch?"

"Leprechaun?" Ayaka chimed in.

"Ayaka, don't help her..." Asuna grumbled.

"Phoenix!" Evangeline suddenly shouted.

"For god's sake..." Asuna had to hold herself back from attaching palm to face in disgust.

"Hey, Yukihiro. What's the name of that Mexican lizard that eats all the goats?"

"That's the Chupacabra."

"Hey Kagurazaka. Chupathingie, how about that? I like it. It's got a nice ring to it."

_-end chapter 1_


	2. 1,2: The Rookies

Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles****  
Part 1/Chapter 2: The Rookies**  
_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

Time passed, as it normally does, at a rather slow pace. Days often felt like weeks, weeks like months, but eventually the appropriate amount of time passed for the newest face to arrive for the Red team. Asuna and Ayaka had failed to notice the newcomer coming up the ramp, however, as they were caught in their normal bickering session.

"Hey, that's not exactly what happened," Ayaka yelled, folding her arms.

"I remember it better than you do, because at least one of us in the class was sober. You--"

"I was sober! I just drank water from the fountain like everyone else!"

"And it was laced with alcohol! Were you that desperate for--?"

"Excuse me, ma'ams?" the new soldier coughed in an attempt make her presence known to the two squabbling ladies, giving both of them a sensation akin to that of a heart attack.

"What on Ea--ma'ams?" Ayaka's brain finally caught up to her ears once she was able to catch her breath and regain her sense of reality.

Asuna, however, cursed under her breath.

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?" The newcomer adjusted her bullet-proof jacket.

Asuna rubbed her eyes tiredly. "Look, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

"Actually, no. Asuna is a filthy liar. I was left in charge while Sergeant McDowell was gone." Ayaka lightly put her hand over Asuna's face to push her a centimeter or so to the back.

"You are such a kiss-ass!" Asuna yelled.

"Watch out, monkey-girl. She also told me if I had any trouble from you, I should--" Ayaka cleared her throat, and said in what was supposed to be a British accent, "'Get into the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato-can.'"

"...was that supposed to be a British accent?"

"Shut the hell up. Hello, rookie, what's your story?"

"Private Makie Sasaki, reporting for duty, ma'am." She flipped her short hair back. "I'm ready to fight some demons."

Asuna sighed. "Uh, _first_, what's with the pink hair and the cute little pigtails, and second, can I ask what's with the jacket color?"

"You're wearing pigtails too," Ayaka pointed out, rolling her eyes.

"This _is_ the standard issue red," Makie said, lightly scratching the side of her face.

"Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard issue jackets: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer," Asuna explained.

"But--she's wearing a red jacket too!" the rookie whimpered, pointing to Ayaka.

"My jacket is maroon. Your jacket is red. There's a difference."

"Well, how do _I_ get a different jacket color?"

Ayaka rolled her eyes. "I bet the Blues don't have to deal with this kind of crap."

* * *

The Blues, however, were too preoccupied with admiring their new tank to even deal with their rookie.

"So I say to the guy, "how're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship" and I go, "if you've got a ship that can carry a tank, _why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead_?" the rookie, Private Konoka Konoe, rambled on with a playful smile.

"Hey," Haruna uttered flatly.

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment."

"Oh. Sorry."

"You know what?" Chisame smiled, which was a rare moment indeed, "I could blow up the whole God damn world with this thing."

* * *

"Okay, Private, here's the deal," Ayaka moved her hands to her hips. "We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?"

Makie nodded eagerly.

"We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of Elbow Grease."

Asuna had to prevent herself from smiling. She knew _this_ gag. "Pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma, too."

"The what?"

"She means the Warthog," Ayaka interjected.

"Rookie, you do know where the store is, right?" Asuna asked.

"What? Yeah, I do," Makie nodded once more after mulling over it for a split second.

"Get going, then!" Ayaka waved her hand in a "shoo, shoo" manner.

Makie began to make her way to the opposite side of the base, which was actually part of the canyon.

"Other way!"

Makie blanked out, before fleeing, flustered. "I-I knew that. I just got turned around, that's all!"

As Makie disappeared from view, the two other soldiers watched with smiles.

"Remember when I pulled that trick on you?" Ayaka laughed. "You were just as stupid as you were in Junior High."

"Shut the hell up."

* * *

In the middle of the canyon, Makie stopped to cool off. She shook her head. "Elbow Grease? How stupid do they think I am?" She sighed, wiping sweat from her forehead. "When I get back with that Headlight Fluid, I'm talking to the Sergeant."

* * *

"You know what?" Haruna smiled. "Forget what I said before. Dudes would be _so_ into this. They'd flock here two or three at a time."

"Saotome, what'll you do with _two_ guys?"

"Haven't you ever heard of a sandwich?"

"That'd be awkward as hell in a tank, though."

"_Exactly_. But it'd be so kinky too. Like in those giant robot shows. When the robots come together, they _come together_."

"You're such a goddamn nerd."

* * *

"You think we were too mean to the poor girl?" Ayaka sighed, resting her head on her chin.

"You pulled that same crap on me, remember? I just wandered around for a few hours. There's no gremlins here, what's the worst that can happen?"

"I guess you're right."

* * *

Makie spotted what the thought was the store over the last hill. She smiled, feeling giddy and accomplished.

"Finally, there it is!" she squealed, beginning to run over. "They sell tanks too--!"

* * *

"Yeah, I'll have you guys know..." Chisame looked off to the side, in an odd, whimsical fashion. "I actually have a man back home."

"A man?" Haruna grinned. "Boyfriend or husband?"

"Nah...he's just my boyfriend. We got engaged, but then I joined the Blue army and got shipped out. You know, all that."

"Isn't it usually reversed?" Konoka asked, making a circular motion with her index finger. "Like, the lady stays home and works at the stove and the man goes out and makes the money."

"...are you saying I should be a housewife?"

"Nah, I think she's saying you aren't strong enough," Haruna interjected.

"I'll tell you what newb, I could sit out here and listen to you insult me all day long, but as it turns out, I got a lot more important job for you to do."

Konoka's eyes lit up. "What? What?"

"See, we've got this General who likes to come by and make random inspections of bases. So what I'm gonna have you do, is I'm gonna have you go in the base, and stand right next to the flag at attention on the ground floor, just in case he decides to come by."

"When's he gonna come by?"

"Don't know," Haruna shrugged. "Could be the next hour, could be the next week."

"You want me to stand at attention for a week?" Konoka pouted.

"You don't sound very _thankful_, Konoe. This is the most important job in the entire base. You're gonna be right there with the flag."

Konoka couldn't help but become confused. "What's so important about the flag?"

"Don't they teach you guys anything in training anymore?" Chisame spat.

"We weren't told about a flag. Why's the flag important?"

"Because it's the flag, you know, it's the f... it's the flag, it's..." Knowing this wasn't really working, Chisame decided to do some damage control. "Saotome, you tell her why the flag is so important."

"It's..." Haruna adjusted her glasses. "It's complicated. We're blue, it's blue, it represents us..."

"It's just important, okay, trust us. So when the General comes by, the first thing he's gonna want to do is inspect the flag. So just...go in there, you know, away from us, and wait for him," Chisame ordered.

Konoka, a bit disheartened, turned to head for the base. "...wait, how will I know when I see him?"

"He's going to be a guy, is that enough?" Haruna grumbled.

"Now get in there, and don't come back out!!" Chisame shouted. She rubbed her temples before turning to Haruna. "This chick is dumber than you are."

"You mean dumber than _you_ are."

"Wow. Greatest comeback ever."

Konoka poked her head from the base. "Ah, Hasegawa-san?"

Chisame's pistol made a slight crunching noise. "My god..._**WHAT?!**_"

"I-I'm sorry for calling you weak--!"

"For God's sakes--_**ROOKIE!! **_**SHUT UP, JUST **_**SHUT UP AND GET IN THERE!!**_--wait, Haruna, are you laughing at me?"

"Ah, excuse me, ma'am?" Makie, emerging from the hillside, was about to tap Chisame on the shoulder.

"Dear God in heaven, rookie, if I turn around, and you are not inside, I... I can't be held responsible for what I'm gonna do to you!"

"Wait! Wh-what did I do?!"

"_One..._"

"Can't you tell me what I did?!"

"_**TWO!**_"

Makie scurried into the base, finding the lone Konoka doodling on the concrete with chalk.

"Wow, you got here fast!" Konoka smiled.

"God, why are people so mean in this canyon?" Makie pouted.

"I-I'm not! What can I help you with?"

"Yay! Finally, someone with common decency!"

"Yes! A-ah, are you here for the flag? I was told you'd be a man..."

"A man? Nooo...I'm sure I'm a woman. But um..." Makie poked at the flag. "Is this all you have?"

"There's all of our personal belongings underground, but..."

"No way! No headlight fluid, no Elbow Grease?"

"Sorry, we've just got this flag."

"Well, I guess I can't leave empty-handed..." Makie plucked the flag from its placeholder. "Is it okay if I take this?"

"Go for it!" Konoka flashed Makie a thumbs-up before the pink-haired girl fled the base.

Halfway through the canyon, Makie stopped once more to rest. "Man...they're gonna be so mad when I come back with just a flag."

* * *

"Well, enough gabbing out of us, let's take this pretty thing out for a spin. Go ahead and hop in, Saotome."

"Uh...Chisame, I can't drive that thing."

"...aren't you Armor Certified?"

"I-I can't even use the damn sniper rifle, let alone drive a tank. Don't you know how to drive it?"

"No!" Chisame grabbed at her forehead. "My god, _who is running this army?!_"

"The same one who put is together in an all-chick platoon."

Konoka once more poked her head from the base's entrance. "Hey Hasegawa-san! The General stopped by and she picked up the flag!"

Chisame began to grumble incoherently before shouting "Okay, whatever moron!! Why would they give us a tank if nobody knows how to drive i--_wait_. What did she just say?"

-end chapter 2


	3. 1,3: The Package is in the Open

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 3: The Package is in the Open**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

* * *

**CHURCH'S ROLE HAS BEEN GIVEN TO CHISAME INSTEAD OF SETSUNA. While I gave Setsuna the roll for KonoSetsu purposes, I ultimately decided Chisame would fit the roll better. KonoSame, anyone? So don't rant at me about the change--I warned you!**

* * *

The soldiers of the Blue army had migrated to the top of the base. Chisame was perched with her sniper rifle, serving as a telescope, while the other two soldiers waited for their de facto leader to spot the flag snatcher.

Except, the flag snatcher didn't exactly snatch the flag.

"Let me get this straight--you gave this bitch our flag."

"Um...is that bad?" Konoka smiled warily.

"Bad?" Chisame pushed her glasses up. "Oh no, that's not _bad_. Next time he comes over, why don't you just help her blow up the whole goddamn base?!"

"I see her!" Haruna shouted, pointing at the figure in the distance. Chisame adjusted her sniper rifle, getting a good look at the pink-haired girl wandering through the cliffs.

"I got her. She's sneaking around back behind the cliffs..."

Haruna scoffed. "She must be one sneaky bitch."

* * *

Makie whimpered. "Man, I am so freakin' lost. Where's the base?"

* * *

"Shit...Saotome, look at her jacket. It's red."

"But her hair is pink. It can't be the Sergeant."

"Commanding officers _have_ to have some sort of disguise abilities," Chisame grumbled. While she didn't _care _for the whole magic business incorporated into both army's training techniques, and in fact found it pointless and completely illogical and never bothered to memorize the techniques herself, she still _knew _it was around (but didn't accept it--not in the least). "Whatever. At least we know how she got by out defenses."

"Um...Hasegawa-san? She came through the back door where you guys were standing..."

"Whatever. Let's take her out!!" Haruna grinned, pointing once again at the wandering Makie.

"Roger that." Chisame smirked. "Say goodnight, Sarge." She fired four shots--proving to herself that yes, the sniper rifle DID work--each going slightly left of where the target was. This prompted a silence among the group.

"Piece of..." Chisame growled. Finding Haruna staring at her, Chisame had to return the gaze. "What?"

"You're not very good at this, are you."

"Who's certified to use the rifle, you or me?"

* * *

Makie wasn't prepared for the shots, which made her very thankful that whoever fired them was a lousy shot. The one closest to her she just needed to move her foot to avoid. "Son of a--hey! It's me!" Makie waved her arms in the air. "Don't shoot meeee! I bought the flag, remember?! Heeey!"

* * *

"Great, now she's taunting us!" Haruna shook her cried.

"Ah, fuck it. Konoe, you stay here. Saotome and I are going to head through the teleporter, and we'll cut her off at the pass."

"Yes, ma'am!" Konata saluted.

"Saotome, ready to go?"

"I'm not going through that thing."

"Saotome, we don't have time for this. Why would they give us a teleporter if it didn't work?"

"Oh...?" Haruna quickly flashed one of her trademark menacing grins, in hopes to distract Chisame. "Well, why would they give us a tank that nobody can drive?"

"We already tested the teleporter, remember?"

Haruna's face returned to the proper distressed state, since obviously her face change didn't work. "We threw _rocks _through it!"

"Yeah, so? They came out the other side. That means it works."

"Yeah, but they were all hot and covered with black stuff."

"Oh, so I guess that's what this is all about." Chisame scoffed. "You're afraid of a little black stuff."

"...yes. I am. I am afraid of a little black stuff."

Chisame sighed, raising her pistol. "Saotome, I almost hate to do this to you."

"Hey, Chisame!"

"I look at it this way," Chisame's eyes narrowed as she took on a menacing tone. "Either A, we go through there, and get back the flag, or B, we stay here and I get to kill you." She smirked. "Either way? I win."

Haruna sighed with defeat. "...for the record, I want you to know..._rocks aren't people_."

"Duly noted." Chisame forced her foot onto Haruna's back. "Now get in there."

"Wait, I'm not ready--!" Before Haruna's sentence was finished, Chisame kicked Haruna through the teleporter. The teal-jacketed soldier dissolved into a green light.

Although the other two fully anticipated their teammate to emerge from the other side, five seconds passed, then fifteen, then thirty, and finally a whole minute--with no sign of Haruna at all.

"...huh...she didn't come out the other siiide..." Konoka murmured.

"Yeeeeaaaaah, you know what, screw what I said, I decided I like living and am not going through there." Chisame leaped from the top of the base after handing the sniper rifle to her fellow soldier, and began to charge across the canyon. "Stay here, Konoe! I'll be back with the flag!"

* * *

"What are you talking about?" Ayaka closed one eye in annoyance. "I did not hear a _single_ shot."

Asuna sighed. "I'm telling you, it was four shots! Like, bam bam bam."

"...that's only three, monkey girl."

"_Bam_." Asuna raised her team's own sniper rifle. "Wait a second. We've got a blue guy on the move out there."

"Where's he headed?"

"Wait--there's Sasaki--and she's got...Ayaka, get the Warthog."

"You mean the Puma?" Ayaka smiled deviously.

"Yeah, keep making jokes. That'll win the war."

* * *

"Freeze!!" Chisame drew her weapon when she caught up to the flag's carrier.

The Red Private fell onto her bottom, making a noise akin to that of a deflating balloon. "Why were you shooting at meeee?" Makie whined. "You could have hit me--!"

"Shut it, moron." Chisame kept a firm grip on her firearm. "Don't play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks."

"Three weeks? I-I got here two hours ago!" Makie managed to work herself up onto her feet. "I'm just a Private!"

"...I guess you're right, you're so stupid and whiny there's no _way_ you'd be anything higher than a Private."

"Hey--wait!"

"If you're a Private, then how did you manage to steal our flag?"

"Steal?" Makie's eyes widened. "I bought it with my own mone--" Her sentence was cut off by the arrival of the charred Haruna, flying out of the teleporter and onto the unsuspecting Makie.

"--yet!!"

"_**HOLY SHIT!!**_" The sudden arrival caused the Blue soldier to drop her weapon.

"Who the--_**GET OFF MEEEE!!**_" Makie screamed, working her way out from under the more well-endowed Haruna.

"Saotome, is that you?!"

"What the--hey! How'd you get here ahead of me?!" Haruna shouted.

"You got black stuff on me!" Makie pouted, wiping the debris from her armor.

The new arrival raised her weapon. "Freeze, Sarge!"

"I'm not the Sergeant, I'm still just a Private!"

"...wait. The Sarge is still just a Private?" The fantasy-loving gears began turning in Haruna's head. One thought attached onto another, before Haruna's artist brain reached a certain perfectly reasonable conclusion.

"Oh. My. God. The teleporter _sent me back in time_."

* * *

"Hey, Chachamaru, we need to take the jeep," Asuna called to the robot, planting herself on the driver's seat. This model didn't need keys to run, so with a couple simple shifts of gears and pressed buttons the vehicle fired up, releasing the most annoying polka music the two Reds had ever heard in their 20-something years of living.

Ayaka rose up and onto the back of the Warthog, gripping onto the trigger for the jeep's built-in lead murderer. "Let's roll. Don't worry, Chachamaru--she'll come back in one piece."

Chachamaru bowed, stepping out of the way.

Asuna glanced back at Ayaka. "How can you ignore this crap music?"

"Try hearing it all the time growing up."

* * *

"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you." Haruna gripped onto Chisame's shoulders. "Some time in your future I get stationed here in Blood Gulch, and we meet. And this girl here, she gets promoted to Sergeant of the Red Army, and we spy on them."

"Saotome."

"And they get this new jeep, and I'm like 'Dudes aren't into chicks with tanks!'"

"_Saotome._"

"I know all this sounds crazy, but she eventually becomes a Sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals a flag while we're distracted!"

"Saotome, _shut the hell up. _First of all, I'm getting rid of all of our anime DVDs, and next, _you haven't gone back in time_. This is the dumb bitch who stole our flag."

"Hey!"

"Can it, Red. This pink-haired whiner isn't the Sergeant--disguise magic isn't powerful enough to change your entire body type to that of a 14-year old--she just happens to have the same jacket color. She got in somehow, and got our fla--for God's sakes, _**WHAT IS THAT MUSIC?!**_"

The jeep ascended over one of the hills, skyrocketing into the air and making a nice skid mark on the little bits of grass through the off landing. Asuna laughed triumphantly--making Chisame make an immediate break for it. "Son of a bitch! **RUN!!**"

"Whoa!" Haruna grinned, trailing behind. "Hey, Chisame, the jeep followed me back in time!"

Chisame gripped onto Haruna's arm tight enough to cut off circulation. "Shut the hell up and _run_!!"

The closest location was behind a nicely-sized rock, providing decent amount of cover for both of the Blue soldiers from the Red's stream of bullets.

"...thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime..." Chisame muttered.

Ayaka took it upon herself to take care of the shooting with the Turret of Unlimited Bullets, accompanied by trash-talking it seems Ayaka had saved up for longer than what was healthy, prompting Asuna to be the one to ask Makie just what the fuck was up with the situation.

"What the hell is going on here?"

"_No clue_. Everybody here is absolutely insane!"

"It tends to happen. How'd you get the flag?"

"...I asked for it?"

"That worked?"

"...is it not supposed to?"

"Well, we never thought to try that...look, just take the flag to the base. We'll explain there!"

"Can't you explain _now_?"

"Look, there's no time--just go!!"

"Okaaaay..." Makie began to dart eastward.

"Back to **our** base!!"

"Maa--sorry, I got turned around, that's all--!!"

* * *

Konoka's view was only through the sniper rifle Chisame had left behind. The 100x zoom gave the clearest picture of the clusterfuck that was the battle--almost like Konoka was there, except she wasn't--thankfully--actually there.

"Ahhh...this is baaad..." She adjusted the weapon to inspect the Red's weapon. "Iyaaah...that's a big gun--!!" An idea struck her, and she set down the rifle. "The tank!" She hurried down the ramp and towards the Blue's brand-new weapon.

-end chapter 3


	4. 1,4: Don't Fear the Reaper

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 4: Don't Fear the Reaper**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

Half an hour had passed with no other real event besides the canyon wall near the hiding place of Chisame and Haruna being sprayed with bullets, and it didn't seem to want to run out any time soon.

"My god..." Chisame exhaled with annoyance. "Doesn't that damn thing ever run out of bullets?"

"You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank."

"Haruna...what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?"

Haruna rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but..." Chisame slumped onto the ground. "Oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya."

* * *

Konoka managed to pop the hatch of the tank open after a half an hour of tinkering. The poor rookie wasn't exactly adept at working with technology, but the tank canopy _did _open, and she entered and lowered herself onto the seat. The tank's automatic driver detection system activated, and the buttons within the tank lit up.

"Hello, and thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank," the voice cooed. It was rather odd, a tank being comforting. "You may call me Chizuru."

"Hello...Chizuru-san...tank-oneechan."

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?"

"Oh!" Eager to actually _learn _something the others on her squad didn't already know, she nodded. "That'd be nice. Thank you!"

"Tutorial program activated. This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of the Springonion class tank. Let's beging with some driving." The tank began to move through the canyon on its own.

"Okay," Konoka smiled, confident in herself that she could save her team with the help of the very nice tank-oneechan. She clenched her fists in anticipation.

* * *

"Ayaka--_**HEY!! AYAKA!!**_" The bullet stream was earsplitting in volume, which left Asuna dumbfounded when Ayaka actually responded to her name. "Man, that thing is loud."

"_**WHAT?**_"

"Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out."

"_**OKAY.**_"

"Keep it down, Ayaka! Let's go before your loud mouth helps them figure out what's going on."

* * *

It hadn't even been five minutes before Konoka had Chizuru backed up onto a tall rock. The wheels twisted and spun in a futile attempt to back the tank up.

"Now that you've mastered driving the M808B, let's move onto some of the safety features."

"No, wait! Tank-oneechan! Go back! Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?" Konoka wailed, slamming one pedal after another with high hopes of escaping the rock's trap.

* * *

"Psst," Chisame whispered, "Hey, they stopped firing."

"...why are you whispering?"

"...uhm...I don't know."

* * *

Asuna made her way to the foot of a cliff before reaching the conclusion that it wouldn't be the best means of reaching the Blues. "Crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way..."

"Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?"

Unbeknowest to them, the tank had steered away from the rock and parked itself behind the Reds.

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day!"

"Well at least it was _fun_!"

"You call me the monkey gi--holy crap." It was about then Asuna had noticed the gargantuan tank. "What in god's name is _that _thing?!"

Konoka activated the auto-fire sequence, and Chizuru's turret slowly pointed itself towards Asuna's head.

"Hold still--I don't think it sees us..."

* * *

"Saotome, don't be stupid," Chisame muttered. "They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not--look; they left the jeep. They're gone."

"...I don't know about this, it's pretty fishy, but...oh, screw it. Let's jack it."

* * *

"Uh, Ayaka...why is it just sitting there?" Asuna squeaked, hiding behind Ayaka.

"Just trying to mess with our heads--stop hiding behind me so we can get back to the Warthog! Come on. Let's go on three. One--"

"Wait. On three? Or three _then _go?"

"_On_ three. It's always faster to go on three. One..."

* * *

"Okay, Saotome. I'm going for the jeep--cover me." Chisame skidded down the cliffside.

* * *

"Target acquired."

* * *

"Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit..." Asuna fled from the scene.

"Two..."

* * *

"Target locked."

* * *

"Three!" Ayaka spotted Asuna already halfway towards the direction of the Warthog. "Oh, you back-stabbing cockbite--!!"

"Firing man cannon." The gun's turret spat out a miniature missle, striking the jeep and letting a collective "_**SON OF A BITCH!!**_" from the three close to the tank. Chizuru fired again, then thrice more.

Chisame darted back up the canyonside, panting as she huddled behind the rock.

"Hey, Chisame, the jeep blew up."

"_No kidding_," Chisame grimmaced. "Thanks for the update, _Saotome._ Come on, let's get out of here."

* * *

Asuna and Ayaka, scared shitless, secured themselves behind a rock that Chizuru aimed and fired continuously at.

"Hey I have a great idea," Ayaka said, immitating Asuna, "Let's get out of the jeep and sneak around the back of the rock! _**GREAT PLAN YOU IDIOT.**_"

* * *

"All targets eliminated," Chizuru announced. "Acquiring new target."

"Hey, Saotome! Look--it's the rookie! And she brought the tank to scare off the Reds!"

"What?" Haruna poked her head out from behind the rock on the cliff. "Whoa! No way!"

"Hey, Konoe!" Chisame hollered, assuming that Konoka could hear. "Why didn't you tell us you knew how to drive the tank?"

"New target acquired," the tank stated, her turret spun around to point at Chisame.

"Ah--! No, tank-oneechan, that's not a target, that's Hasegawa-san!"

"Yeah, it's me! What's going on, Konoe?"

"Target locked."

"Noooo!!" Konoka screamed. "Target unlock! Unlooock! Please help me, Chizuru-tank-oneechan--!!"

"Firing main cannon."

"Uh-oh..." came Konoka.

"Uh-oh..." came Haruna.

"What?" Chisame's brain clicked. "Oh son of a--"

Everything happened in a blur. The tank discharged, slamming a missle into Chisame's stomach. The force of the blast sent her sprawling high into the air, hitting the top of the cliff and sent her spinning down back onto the ledge.

"Holy fuck! Holy shit!!" Haruna sprung over the rock to aid the gushing-with-blood Chisame. "Are you okay, Chisame?! Talk to me!!" Haruna glarred at the rookie in the tank. "_**YOU SHOT CHISAME YOU TEAM-KILLING FUCKTARD!!**_"

"Auto-fire sequence deactivated."

Konoka slumped.

"Sao...to...me..."

"Chisame!!" Haruna propped Chisame against the cliff wall. "It's going to be okay--I'm going to--"

"No...ah...I'm...I'm not gonna make it..." Chisame coughed, squirting blood from her mouth. "Saotome...there's something...I need to tell you..."

"What? Chisame, what is it?"

"I want you to know..." The injured soldier's glasses slid from her face, the lenses shattering in an almost symbolic fasion completly opposite of the next words to come out of her mouth. "I always...I always hated you. I always hated you the most."

"...yeah. I know you did." Haruna removed her hands, letting Chisame fall onto her back. "Now hurry up and die, you prick."

"...okay..." Chisame's last hurrah was a cough before the last bit of her consciousness slipped from her hands.


	5. 1,5: A Shadow of Her Formal Self

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 5: A Shadow of Her Formal Self**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document. Oh yeah--please note how Konoka and Haruna later refer to eachother by first name/nickname. I got kinda tired of them referring to each other by last name. Flashbacks are in italics. And I've got two other chapters ready to be posted!_

* * *

It was only a mere few minute before the two Reds reached the top of their base. The situation had moved from the center of the canyon to close to the Red's base, making the retreat simple and easy. Makie was waiting with the captured flag on top of the base.

"What happened?" she asked.

"Big...tank...shooting..." Asuna panted, wiping sweat and bangs from her forehead. "Whoooh!"

"What happened to the top Junior High athlete?" Ayaka glared down at the worn-out soldier. "We only ran, like, three hundred feet. You really did become out of shape."

"Fuck...you..."

"Where's your car?" Makie inquired upon noticing the jeep had disappeared.

"General Patton here had a great strategy to leave it behind," Ayaka spat.

"Hey, it would have worked if that tank hadn't shown up," Asuna glared back.

"You lost the jeep?" Makie's eyebrows curved in worry. "Maaa...Chachamaru's gonna be pissed. Where is it?"

As if on cue, the jeep decided planting itself on top of the base was a better alternative to being shot at by Chizuru.

"What the hell?" Asuna took a step back. This was followed by another tank blast. "Son of a bitch!"

"Holy crap! What is that thing?!" Makie screamed.

"That's the tank!"

The tank fired yet again.

"Hey, uh...Kagurazaka-san, you uh...you wanna hold the flag for a bit?"

"_Keep that thing away from me!!_"

* * *

"Why do you keep firing at the jeep?" Haruna queried, figuring leaning up against a firing tank was not in the least partially suicidal.

"Because it's locked on!" the rookie cried back.

"Well unlock it."

"Last time I unlocked it, _**I KILLED HASEGAWA-SAN!!**_"

"...oh, right." Haruna pushed her glasses closer to her eyes. "Keep shooting the jeep then."

* * *

"I hate to be the one to point this out..." Makie gulped. "...but I think we're screwed!"

The tank didn't seem to want to stop firing at any point in the near future.

"Yeah..." Ayaka nodded. "I have to agree with the rookie on this one."

The next thing the three soldiers knew, their headsets began to buzz and crackle.

"Mahora Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in, Blood Gulch Outpost, come in. Do you read me?"

"Oh god--Eva-chan, is that you?" Asuna gasped, making sure the microphone was at her mouth.

"Roger that, Private--and don't ever call me that ever again. I am currently in-bound to your position from Command."

"Sir, this is Yukihiro," stated Ayaka.

"Hello, Yukihiro. I hope everything's gone alright while I've been gone."

"...actually..." Asuna interrupted, "Things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow she managed to infiltrate the blue base, and now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged, one of the Blues are dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base."

The radio crackled for one beat, then two beats, before Evangeline said, "Am I talking to the right base?"

"_**WE'RE GOING TO DIE HERE!!**_" Asuna screeched.

"God, fine, well then...hold on tight. I've got a solution to your tank problem." You could just see the vampire's smirk from just those words alone.

* * *

Haruna was the first to hear the sound of the airplane flying up above.

"...oi, Konoe. You might wanna get out of the tank--like, right now."

"I can't figure out how to get this thing open--!!" Konoka wailed, pounding on buttons that activated random things, including night vision.

"Well hurry up!!"

Missiles began to drop at this point, causing panic from both of the Blues. Haruna made a break for it, not even caring if the rookie decided to join Chisame in wherever-the-hell-she-was.

"Okay, open the door, uh, I--Chizu-ne, will you please open the door?"

A budge finally released the driver canopy, and Konoka darted out like a bat straight out of hell. "Driver canopy open. Thank you for using the M808B main battle ta--"

Sadly, Chizuru's words were left unfinished before the last missile collided with her and made enough fireworks to make sure nobody wanted to see them even when the Fourth of July rolled in.

"Oh crap oh crap oh crap running running running--man that was close!!" Konoka shouted, clapping a hand on Haruna's shoulder when the two caught up.

"Look at the tank, though."

"I'm scared, Kotaro-kun...will I dream?" Chizuru's voice deepened as a sign of her impending shutdown. "Natsumiiiiii..."

"_**CHIZU-NEEEEE!! NOOOO!!**_" Konoka bawled in a fit of melodrama.

"What? No! Chizu-ne! Chizu--wait, who's Chizu-ne?"

Konoka sniffled. "Chizu-ne was the lady in the tank...she was my friend..."

"Oh dude! There's no WAY guys couldn't be into tanks _now_!!"

* * *

Without much trouble, the Blues reached their base and took this downtime to not only inform Command of the situation, but to let Haruna have a bath and let Konoka wash her clothes (including hand-washing the bulletproof jacket). At that moment, while waiting for her outfit to dry, Haruna stood with her headset, wrapped in a towel.

"Come in, Blue Command. This is Mahora Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

A female voice responded from Command. "This is Asakura of Blue Command, come in Mahora Gulch Outpost Alpha."

"Hey, Asakura! We need help."

"Roger that, Mahora Gulch! What's up?"

"I don't know what the technical military term for it is--but uh--we're pretty fucked up down here. We need men!"

A "snrrk" came from the other end.

"...what?"

"Dude, how long have you guys been _down there_?" came Kazumi's laughter.

"Oh fuck you--we need men to _help us_!!"

"Alright, sheesh--did you get the tank we sent?"

"Yeah, that got blown up too."

Another chuckle. "Wow, sucks to be you."

"Yeah, we know," Haruna groaned.

"Alright, kiddies, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or--"

"Sixteen days?! Dude, that's over two weeks!!"

"I wasn't done yet, you know. Look, like I was saying, it was either _that _or I can hire a nearby freelancer and get him there within a few hours."

Konoka looked up from her task of drying Haruna's vest. "I like the 'in an hour' one."

"Me too." Haruna nodded. "Roger that, Asakura, we prefer the quicker solution. Not to quick though, I'm kinda only in a towel out here."

"...TMI, Saotome," came Kazumi after a short pause. "Why aren't you inside?"

"Shut the hell up, you need to fix your damn teleporter, and I'm waiting for my clothes to dry."

Kazumi sighed. "...alright, 10-4 Mahora Gulch, we will contact freelancer Tex, and have him there post-haste. Asakura out." The radio clicked off.

Haruna unwrapped her hair towel. "Whoever he is, he better be able to fix the tank."

"Hey, Paru? What's a freelancer?" Konoka asked, handing Haruna the jacket and the now-dried bra and underwear.

Haruna undid her body towel. "Freelancers are independant, they're not Red _or _blue." She slipped on her panties. "They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

"Oh, like a mercenary!" Konoka smiled, nodding eagerly.

"Right, or like your mom, when the rent's due."

Konoka's expression turned grim. "...my mom is dead."

"...oh, shit, I'm sorry, I--"

An eerie chill crept through the area in and around the base.

"Saotome...Saaaotooomeeee..."

Both soldiers' heads snapped in the direction of the ominous breeze.

"Who the hell are you?!" Haruna screamed.

"I am the ghost of Chisameeee...and Iiii've come back with a waaarniiiiing..."

"You're not Hasegawa-san!" Konoka pouted. "Her hair was orangey. Yours is white. Where's your glasses?"

"...Konoe, shut the hell up. I'm a _goddamn ghost_. Have you ever seen a normal colored ghost?"

"Yeah, it's her," Haruna casually laughed.

"Thanks a lot, now I gotta start over again..." Chisame cleared her throat. "Saotome...Saaaaotooomeeee...I've come back with a waaaarning..."

"Hey, it's freaking badass that you're a ghost and all, but do you _really _need to do the voice?"

"No offense, Hasegawa-san, but it's annoying."

Chisame rolled her eyes. "Fine, I was having fun, but whatever--"

"What, Miss Anti-Fun is actually going against her very existence?" Haruna smiled.

"Fuck you. Okay, here's the deal. I'm here to warn you about Tex. Don't let--"

"Oh! What's the warning?" Konoka asked, a little too excited for the subject matter.

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!!"

"Sorryyyy..."

"Seriously, man, I mean, I'm coming back from the great beyond here. You think this is easy? It's not. It's not like I just, you know, just pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"I said I'm sorryyyy..."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man!" Chisame exhaled, trying to control her bouts of anger. "Okay. Here's the deal."

"Is this the warning?"

Chisame made a noise similar to that of what one reads the keys as when you smash random ones into the keyboard. "Alright, that's it, I swear to _God_, Konoe, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"I thought being here took concentration!" Konoka protested.

"Look, Konoka, you're even starting to bug _me_," Haruna stated.

"Alright, look--Saotome, you remember how I told you I was stationed in Sidewinder before they put me in this hellhole, right?"

"...no."

"Sidewinder--that's the icy place with the non-magicy name, right?"

"Mmhm."

"Cool! What was _that _like?"

"...it was cold?"

"Come on, Hasegawa-san! You can do better than that."

"What do you want from me, a poem? It's a place made almost entirely out of ice. It's _really, fuckin', cold_."

Haruna sighed. "Can you just let him talk?"

"Thanks, Saotome. Alright--well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal. I remember, I was out on patrol with my partner Sayo. That Sayo was a real good kid, everybody liked her--and not just because she was the only other girl there. She kinda looked like you, Konoe, except she wasn't an annoying team-killer."

"I said I was sorry--!!"

"Hey Chisame, was I a good kid?" Haruna grinned.

"Saotome, don't get jealous man, just listen to the story, okay? Like I said, guys were hanging around, waitin' for some action, bitching about the cold..."

* * *

_"Man, it's fucking cold," one of the soldiers complained._

_"I hope we get some action."_

* * *

"Anyway, Sayo was in the middle of telling me all about her boyfriend back home."

* * *

_"Yep, as soon as I get back...I just hope he'll ask me to marry him." Sayo smiled, letting the chilly breeze blow back her milky brown hair. "...you should not wear your glasses more often, Chisame-san."_

* * *

"And that's when Tex showed up. ...Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when all of a sudden he just started screaming bloody murder."

* * *

_Chisame couldn't even respond to Sayo's comment before Private Mickey began to scream. "Bloody murder, bloody murder!!"_

_The soldiers readied themselves for an intense fight. There was five soldiers stationed in Sidewinder--they could take a mysterious black-armored freelancer, right?_

_But no. As soon as Mickey was down, the other two were next, both dying the same way._

_Chisame and Sayo began to fire rapidly before Freelancer Tex had teleported behind them._

* * *

"Whole thing was over before it even started. Poor Sayo was the last one to go. Tex walked up to her, pulled Sayo's skull right out of his head and beat her to death with it."

"...whoa, wait. That's cool and all, but how do you beat someone to death with their own skull?" Haruna quirked a brow. "Magic or no, that doesn't seem physically possible!"

"That's what Sayo kept screaming!"

* * *

_"This doesn't seem physically possible!!" Sayo shouted for the fifth time, before collapsing in her own blood._

_Tex discarded the skull before leaving as quickly as he came._

* * *

"Bottom line is, Saotome...these freelancers are bad news. Tex's one of the worst."

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?"

"...don't know why I'm not dead."

"But you are," Konoka frowned.

Chisame sighed, choosing to ignore the rookie. "He could've killed me at any point. But maybe it's because sh--he and I have run in to each other once before."

Haruna leaned in curiously. "Where?"

"You uh, you remember that guy I told you about back home? Well, let's just say that Tex is the real reason why we never got married." Chisame's already ghostly presence began to dissolve. "Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning: don't let Tex get involved here--and for god's sakes, Saotome, put some pants on." Chisame shut her eyes, letting herself fade away.

"...wait a minute. Something's not right," Haruna cupped her chin. "Was Tex gay, or is he actually a...?"

"Oh!" Konoka looked to her left. "Hello strange black-armor man!"

The freelancer, coated from head to toe in black armor, stepped onto the dirt without uttering a sound.


	6. 1,6: Down, But Not Out

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 6: Down, But Not Out**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

* * *

"...and then I thought, you know, we could sneak around the while they were hiding behind the rock, but uh, well that's when the tank showed up and, shit just started blowin' up." Asuna shrugged. "I don't know."

It took the blonde Sergeant several moments to remove her palm from her face. Having the nails she did, it was a bit of a shock that she didn't rip her own face off, although more so that she didn't rip off Asuna's. "Asuna Kagurazaka...do you have _any _godly idea how much this piece of equipment costs?"

"Ah...I don't know, twenty, twenty-five bucks? ...uh, yeah you're gonna kill me now, aren't you."

Evangeline's face contorted into an evil smile. "Tell you what. I think I have some sense of fairness. I'll give you a ten second head start before I let Chachamaru do whatever she wants to you."

The green-haired robot, who had been working on repairing the busted vehicle, slowly stood up to face the pigtailed soldiers.

"...guys, I just want you to know, I'm really, really sorry here, and--"

"Five Mississippi. Six Mississippi."

At this point, Asuna figured backing away would be for the best, and she high-tailed to the base--not without Evangeline and Chachamaru shooting at her first, simply because it was funny.

Not to Asuna, anyway. "Hey, that's not funny, you could kill me!"

"That's the point!" the vampire cackled.

* * *

"That's basically it, sir." Haruna scratched the back of her head. "They have five guys over there and a big jeep."

Tex reloaded his pistol emotionlessly. "And your flag."

"...yeah that too--uh, hey, Tex? I don't know what it's been like at your other bases, but we try not to use other soldiers as target practice here..."

One of the nearby walls had a buffet of bullets lodged into it--except for the human shape of the shaking Konoka. "I'm scared." She fled to Haruna's backside for safety.

As Tex continued playing with various weapons, Haruna used this moment as an opportunity to strike up a conversation. "...so you got the Special Forces black armor, I see. Were you in the Special Forces at some point?"

Tex ignored her in favor of one of her weapons.

"We only get vests out here. ...mine was black, but that was because--"

Cutting the chitchat short, Tex darted off of the top of the base.

"Oh, you gotta go? I'll see you later, then," Haruna waved awkwardly.

"Iiii don't think he likes yooou..."

"Thanks." The two Blue soldiers went to watch Tex leave. "Where're you going?"

Tex's head turned to face the two. "Red base. Kill everyone. Get the flag back." He set back out across the canyon.

"Uh...okay!" Konoka smiled, her nerves on-edge. "We'll just stay here and guard the trans...porter..."

* * *

"So, Sarge thought my strategy had merit, but was poorly executed, probably because somebody didn't believe in it." Asuna stuck her tongue out at the maroon-jacketed soldier.

"Bullshit. She told me she thought you were a retarded monkey-girl, and she's gonna suspend your weapon privileges!" Ayaka protested.

"_Double _bullshit, only YOU call me a monkey girl!"

"Hey, since I captured the flag, d'ya guys think I'll get a special vest?"

"What do you mean 'captured'? You thought you were buying it at the store, you idiot." Ayaka rolled her eyes.

"You tricked me! But still...you think there's a shot?"

"Maybe they'll give you Asuna's armor since she destroyed the Warthog."

"Hyeah, haha--wait, you don't...you don't think they'd actually do that, do you...?" Asuna glanced at the taller girl with worry.

* * *

"Try connecting' that hose to that metal thing over there. I think that's what's makin' that rattle," Evangeline suggested, crouching next to Chachamaru. The robot just glanced up at the Sergeant with very slight annoyance. "...I think I'll let you do it."

Something suddenly darted behind Evangeline--being what she was, she could feel it. Being a member of the blood-sucking undead had its perks, after all--but she couldn't see what the intruder was. "...what was that?"

* * *

"...Ayaka, what's going on? What's over there?"

Ayaka perched herself on one of the pillars, glaring into the distance. "I thought I saw something for a second."

"Hey, Makie, tuck the flag somewhere safe until we can figure out what's going on."

"Yay! I was sick of carrying this anyway!" The rookie had the bright idea of just planting it on the ground on top of the base.

A faint sizzling noise was released into the air. It was the right frequency to allow all of the base top Reds to hear it.

"Did you hear that?"

"Yeah."

"Hey!" Makie whispered. "What's going o--"

The sizzling object, a grenade composed entirely of metal infused with magical energy, decided Makie's head was its home. With a pop, the two joined together in what was sure to be a holy head-explosion.

"What the fuck?" Asuna's ears picked up the sound coming from behind them, and, well, saw the bright blue light glowing on the rose-haired girl's head.

"What?" Makie blinked innocently, as if a glowing blue grenade _wasn't _obvious.

"What is _that _thing?" came Ayaka's unsure voice.

"What thing?"

"There's something on your head," Asuna pointed, backing away a step.

"Is it a spider?" Makie's curious expression transformed into that of pure fear. "Get it off!!"

"No, no, Sasaki-san, it's...a blue thing."

"What, like a blue spider? _Get it off!!_"

"It's not a spider, calm down!!" Asuna shouted. "It's some kinda, fuzzy pulsating thing."

"...that doesn't sound much better than a spider."

"Does it hurt?" Ayaka inquired.

"No..."

"Maybe we should take it off."

"Good idea," Asuna snorted. "Go for it."

"_Me_? By _we _I mean _you_, asshole."

"It doesn't matter, someone needs to get it off! It might be dangerous--"

And what do you know, it was. The "spider", as Makie thought it was, detonated right on her cranium. A collective "_**SON OF A BITCH!!**_" spewed from the mouths of the other two Reds, followed by the sound of head hitting rock.

"Shi--wait, Ayaka, where are--"

Asuna joined the pistol-to-head brigade and collapsed onto the concrete base.

* * *

"...man, he is really kicking their asses..." Konoka's lips pursed as she observed the battle through the sniper rifle.

"How come I never get the fucking sniper rifle?"

Konoka lowered the aforementioned weapon. "I'm really glad Tex-san is on our team aaaand not theirs."

"Yeah, it sure makes things a lot easier for us."

"...I think switching Tex for Hasegawa-san was a good trade..."

"It definitely seems like your killing Chisame is starting to work out for us."

"Ya know, ya think so? You know, I was gonna say something but uh, well you know, uh... nuh..."

"Did Tex get to the base?"

Konoka repositioned the weapon to take a peek. "Uh-huh."

There was a flash at the bottom of the base--a transportation circle--that returned the flag back to the base.

"Blue team--flag returned."

Haruna's head snapped behind her. "What the--...who said that?"

The returning ghost cleared her throat. "Sorry, that was me. I uh, I guess I had something stuck in my throat. Your flag is back, by the way."

"Hey...it's Hasegawa-san." Konoka's eyes lit up.

The dead soldier couldn't help but blush a little. "Yeah, it's me. Hey, Konoe."

"You got your glasses back."

"Konoe..." Chisame chuckled lightly, something Konoe had never seen before, "I'm not really here to make small-talk, okay? How'd you guys manage to get your flag back?"

The living Blues exchanged glances, before Haruna began to laugh with fake happiness. "Wh, what? Oh, th, that flag? We've always had _that_."

"...Saotome, who do you think you're trying to fool? ...wait, where's Tex?"

"I'm not really sure, he said he was gonna go to the store, something about uh, Elbow Grease?" Haruna smiled in hopes this would work.

Of course, it didn't. "Oh...great. This is so _typical_! What was the _one thing _I told you guys the last time I appeared?"

"Sidewinder is cold!!" Konoka guessed, waving her hands nervously.

"No, what was the _other one thing_ I told you?"

"Not to let him get involved?" Haruna muttered.

"Right. And what did you do?"

"We let him get involved.

"And not just a little involved, how involved?"

"Very, very involved..." Konoka whimpered.

* * *

"Freeze!!" Evangeline shouted, pistol in hand and Chachamaru at her side. Evangeline motioned for Chachamaru to pin the freelancer up against the inner base wall. "Drop your weapon."

At request, and because the pressure on his hands was a little much, he discarded the weapon. "...hey, buddy."

"What."

"You really better hope the first one knocks me out."

* * *

"...muh..." Asuna returned to the world of the living with bleary eyes. "...my head..."

"Asuna, Sasaki-san is hurt. She'll make it, but we need to get her some help--fast!"

"Wait--Ayaka, what's going on? First Makie's head exploded, and then you fainted, and then some black thing showed up and started--"

"Whoa, wait--Asuna, I did _not _faint. Something knocked me out."

"Okay, fine, keep lying to yourself. Whatever helps you sleep at night."

"...just go find Sarge. We need to get Sasaki-san out of here."

"Yeah, fine." Asuna headed for the ramp. "I'm fine by the way. Thanks for asking. Haughty wuss girl."

"Whatever, Asuna, nobody likes you anyway."

* * *

"...yeah...he's captured." Konoka gulped, peering once again into the sniper rifle. "...or dead...captured or dead. ...or captured _and _dead!!"

"Oh, well..." Chisame stomped her foot onto the ground. "That's just _perfect_!!"

"What? What is your problem?" Haruna glared. "Why do you even care if he's captured, I thought you hated that guy anyway, for stealing your boyfriend?"

"...Saotome, I never said I hated Tex. I just said she was the reason why we never got married."

Konoka blinked. "...she?"

* * *

"Sarge!" Ayaka poked her head in from the sunroof on the base. "We need to get Sasaki-san air-lifted out of here."

"Could you put that in a memo, and entitle it 'shit that I already know!'" Evangeline rolled her eyes. "Get on the horn with Command!" A stirring noise was heard, before several cracks and sparkles. This got the vampire's attention back on the captured soldier. "Well, look who's up. Rise 'n' shine, buttercup."

Setsuna Sakurazaki, known as "Tex", now had helmet of her armor missing that revealed her black side-ponytail, wore a scowl that could make the heads of children explode. "Thanks for breaking my voice filter, you cockbiting fucktards."


	7. 1,7: Human Peer Bonding

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 7: Human Peer Bonding**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document. Also, the italicized "both"s have an L in them. I thought typing "bolth" was just weird._

* * *

"Wait, so let me get this straight." Haruna cracked a smile as she continued. "You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Konoka and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend? And on top of _that_, you're a lesbian?"

"That'd be a perfectly accurate summary, but I'm _bi_, not gay."

"You still did a chick."

"I should have known...she didn't like me. Other girls never liked me," Konoka frowned, huddled up.

"Konoka, I don't think anybody likes you."

"...I like me..."

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. Are you sure she's a chick? And not a guy? Or like, part guy, part _shark_?"

"I'm pretty sure I'd know if Setsuna was a guy. And I'm definitely sure I would know if she was part shark."

"Wait, Hasegawa-san, if she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?"

"Her real name is Setsuna Sakurazaki. I just said that."

"I like that name."

"And look, you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with."

"Right. You should blame God. First He makes hangovers, and now, half women, half sharks." Haruna shook her fist dramatically to the sky. "Thanks for nothing, God!"

"Shut up! Look, she got recruited in to some kind of weird experimental program back during basic where, they infused her armor with this really aggressive A.I. I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"...A...I...what does the A stand for?" Konoka asked, finger to her lips.

"Artificial."

"...and what's the I--"

"_Intelligence_."

"...oooooooh what's the A again?"

"Let's move on."

"So, the military put this program in her head, and that program made her a killer. But underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Haruna smiled. "Didn't know you went for the sweethearts."

"Oh hell no." Chisame snorted. "She's always been a rotten bitch, it's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wow, nevermind them. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there buddy, she's a keeper!"

"Shut the hell up. How're you doing, Konoe, are you getting any of this?" Chisame asked, floating over to her not-so-bright counterpart.

"...I think so...that Tex guy is really a robot, and you're actually a _boy_, and you're his boyfriend, so that makes you...a gay robot."

"...yes. Konoe. _I am a gay robot._"

* * *

"So you're a girl like the rest of us, eh? Pretty frail-lookin'."

"..."

"Ignore her, Sakurazaki-san. That's what I do." Ayaka rolled her eyes.

"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapons, are yoooou?" Asuna teased.

"Hey Bells, I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Uh-huh. What're you gonna do, punch me?"

Setsuna launched her fist barely an inch from Asuna's face, and, by reflex, the other girl fell over.

"...oww."

* * *

"Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're gonna rescue Tex."

"A plan? God, I hate plans! That means we're gonna have to do stuff. Can't we just have a strategy or...a mission statement?"

"I need you guys to run a distraction, while I spring Setsuna."

"Distraction? ...that sounds like decoy!" Konoka stated matter-of-factly.

"The way I see it, the Reds have absolutely no idea how many freelancers we have out here." Chisame floated from the top of the base to the ground level through the gaping hole. "In storage, there are two sets of blue winter armor that looks like the special ops armor freelancers wear, helmets and all. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armor, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"You just said the armor is blue, how are we gonna make it black?" Haruna asked.

Smiling, Chisame pointed at the teleporter.

"...oh, fuckberries."

* * *

"You okay, Saotome?" Chisame called. A half an hour of convincing the two of them to follow through, combined with trying to get the armor on, went by, and finally Haruna emerged from the other end of the teleporter, armor appropriately coated in 'black stuff'.

"Peachy keen, Chisame. Come on, Konoka!"

Konoka shook in fear at the green light. "Does it hurt?!"

"Not at all!"

This was convincing enough for Konoka. "Here I come, then--!!" She went head-first into the spinning light.

"...does it hurt for real?"

"Big time."

The green light at the other side formed into a human shape, spitting out Konoka, with her own armor now coated in char. She wailed in pain. "_**YOU LIED TO MEEEE!!**_"

* * *

"Ah...dammit." Evangeline folded her arms, aggravated. "Chachamaru, c'mere. Do you see something out there?"

Chachamaru had no need for a sniper rifle with her built-in zoom feature. Focusing her eyes, she nodded at her creator.

Inside the base, the childhood "friends" had another argument while making sure Setsuna didn't go anywhere.

"There's no L in it, it's pronounced both," Ayaka frowned.

"That's what I'm saying. _Both_."

"Both."

"...you sound like such an _ass_ the way you say it."

"Oi! Quit your arguing and get up here. There's more Special Ops soldiers coming our way.

"...as in more than one? Uh, maybe we should _both _go, sir."

"**BOTH!!**"

"Seriously Ayaka, _like an ass_."

"Well, well. Another brilliant idea from the think-tank." Evangeline's jaw tensed. "Why don't you both come up? Leave the prisoner alone. We could just put her on the honor system, have her guard herself."

"...good point, sir..."

"_**YOU'RE GOD DAMN RIGHT IT IS!!**_" The volume once again was startling. "Now get your ass up here, we got just enough time for me to spray-paint the bull's-eye on your back...ah, by bull's-eye I of course mean camouflage. Now move it, cupcake."

"Be right there, Sarge."

* * *

At this point, Chisame had gotten a radio set up, along with the ability to float objects such as the sniper rifle. "Hey Saotome, come in, are you there? This is Hasegawa, it's working. The redhead one with the weird eyes is coming out of the base. I repeat, the weird-eyed one is coming out of the base."

From the other end of the canyon, secured behind a rock, Haruna nodded. "Roger that."

"Oh! Paru! Is that Chiuichii?" Konoka squealed, suddenly coming up with the nickname.

"Okay, now just keep moving around the outside of the base and draw their--"

Konoka drowned out Chisame by requesting "Tell her I said hi, Paru!"

"Wait," Haruna held her hand out in front of the rookie, "What? I missed that, Konoka was talking to me." She quickly looked to the more excited female. "Shut up, I'm on the radio."

Chisame coughed. "I said, just keep--"

"I'm not yelling, I'm just telling you to let me finish talking to Chisame. ...No, I'll tell her you said 'hi' later. No, you can't talk to him. How could you possibly talk to her on my headset?"

When that came crackling through the radio, Chisame lowered her head to the ground. "God, I can't believe I actually _died _for this war." Chisame stood back up once she lowered the rifle. It was time to float her way across the canyon.

* * *

"I don't see--ayup, there's one." Asuna watched one of the black-armored soldiers come out from behind the rock, only to stop and stare at it. "...why's he just standing there?"

* * *

"Konoka, get behind the rock. They can still see you."

"They can't see me. I can't see them!"

"That's because you're facing the rock."

Konoka looked behind her. "Oh. Right." She joined Haruna once more behind the rock.

"Real smooth, dipshit."

* * *

"They're definitely Special Ops. I haven't seen such coordinated movements since my days at--" Evangeline shuddered, her words catching in her throat as Chisame took over.

"...you okay?" Asuna raised a brow.

"...you talking to me?"

"No, I'm talking to Chachamaru. Because that's _real _rewarding."

Chachamaru swung her fist at Asuna, barely missing.

"...oh, uh, well, I'm fine, that's...I'm just so mad about, these uh, god damn Blues out here. I'm so God damn mad, I could spit! I could spit _blood!_" Chisame did indeed spit blood from her mouth--a little more than she was hoping, in that it ran down her mouth as if she were punched in the jaw, but still blood. It was a trick she had learned way back in the day from Setsuna, in high school. It ended up being a neat, but painful, party trick.

"...sir, did you just spit blood?"

"Yes. I did."

"...permission to speak freely?"

"Go for it."

"I know you're a vampire, but that's really fucking gross."

* * *

"Hey Paru?"

"What?"

"I'm having fun."

"That's great, Konoka."

"Yeah, it's like we're real soldiers!"

"...please go hide behind another rock."

* * *

"Hey man," Chisame, still inside Evangeline, waved at Ayaka.

"Uh...hey. What's going on out there, sir?"

"What's uh...why, nothin'. Why would you ask if something's wrong?"

"...it's a perfectly normal question, sir."

"Yeah well, I don't know. You're starting to act kinda suspicious there...other Red guy. So I'm keeping my eye on you."

There was a couple-second pause. "Sir, is that blood on your--"

Chisame used this opportunity to whip Ayaka with her pistol, knocking her over.

"What the hell?!" Setsuna jumped to her feet.

"Setsuna! It's me, Chisame! I've come to rescue you."

"...you're a bit busty to be Chisame."

"...oh, right." Chisame split herself form Evangeline's body.

"--hurk! What the--" She wiped her lip. "Who punched me in the jaw?!"

"Setsuna, there's not much time to explain, so I'm just gonna give you the summary here, okay? I'm a spirit now, and I'm trapped in the physical world. I possessed this Red bitch, so that I could sneak in to the base and rescue you, while the rest of our guys run around out in the middle of the canyon, dressed in black armor, that they got from going through the teleporter."

"..." Setsuna shrugged. "Mmkay."

"...what...that's it? Okay? You're not surprised by any of this?"

"No, it all makes sense."

"...not even the whole 'Chisame is a ghost' thing? That didn't do anything for ya?"

Setsuna smirked. "I can see right through you, it's pretty obvious."

"Okay, well, let me hop back into the blonde chick and we'll get outta here." The spirit drifted back into the vampire, taking the freelancer and heading for the exit.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Haruna asked, trying to peek into Konoka's sniper rifle.

"One of the Reds has Tex. I'm going to shoot her, and kill her, and free Tex. Then Chiuichii will forgive me for killing _her_, and we will be friends."

"...you don't actually believe that, do you?" Haruna raised a brow, and added as an aside, "...and shouldn't we be calling Tex, like, Sakurazaki or something?"

"Ohh, we're gonna be best friends!"

* * *

"Alright, Setsuna, I'll make one more distraction, then you run up to the teleporter and escape. Ready?"

Setsuna nodded.

"One...two...three!" On cue, the body dropped to the ground. "What the--where did my body go?" The dead Blue spotted Konoka with the sniper rifle. "...oh you have _got to be KIDDING--  
_

The fallen body, well, detonated, scattering dust and magic particles in and around the scene.

Konoka pointed at Haruna. "Paru did it!"


	8. 1,8: How the Other Half Lives

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 8: How the Other Half Lives**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

* * *

For miles there was nothing but fog, coating whatever was around the tiny vampiress. The only sensations she felt were the stiff breeze causing her lengthy blonde hair to drift, the grass beneath her standard-issue combat boots, and the white encasing her field of vision. Even the only plant life around was invisible.

"Hello?" Her British accent echoed. "Hello? I said, hello?"

Nothing.

"Is _anybody_ out here?!"

A taller female stepped forward, her folded glasses between her fingers. "Holy cow, would you stop yelling?" She quirked a brow in annoyance. "I'm here!"

"What is this place?" Evangeline asked, wary.

"Well, that's..." Chisame opened her glasses, sliding them back onto her face. "That's kind of hard to explain. Uh...yeah, you were shot in the head, buddy." She gestured to the fog surrounding them, "So, here you are."

"...am I dead?" The blonde's brows furrowed.

"Are you dead? Well duh. That's how I ended up here."

"...that's a bunch of crap. I'm a vampire, I can't die." The little one smirked. "Guns and swords don't break me."

"Well guess what, midget? You got fucked." Impatient, Chisame pulled the ribbon from her hair that held her ponytail. "So shut the hell up."

For a brief moment, there was silence.

"...are you some kind of angel?" Evangeline suddenly inquired.

This stirred up a small laughter from the conversation's other participant. "Ahaha...am I an angel..." But an idea hit her. "Uh, yeah, actually." She cleared her throat. "I am. I am an angel. So ah...you want to get to heaven?" She held up her open palm. "Because it's, like, ten bucks to get in."

Evangeline patted her pants pockets. "Well uh...I didn't really bring any, I mean, my wallet's back in the car."

"Don't have any money, huh." Chisame shrugged. "Well uh, that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to Hell for an eternity."

"Hey wait, I don't remember dying! You could be fucking with me."

"Yeah..." Chisame leaned her head back. "Yeah, that's my fault too. I was sort of posessing your body at the time you were shot. Sorry about that."

"--hey wait, that ain't fair!!"

"_Not fair_?" The deceased private shot a venemous glare. "Yeah, join the frickin' club. I got shot by my own tank!!"

A turret emerged from the fog. "Target locked."

"Oh _ha ha_. Very funny, Chizuru. Shut up. I still haven't forgiven you, you know!! I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Get out!!"

Chizuru's turret lowered in an almost shameful manner as the sound of moving treads were heard.

* * *

"Sarge!!" Asuna was on her knees, shaking the dead Sergeant. "Don't you give up on me, soldier!! I'm ordering you!!" The redhead looked up at her teammmate. "...god, I can't believe she's actually a little girl!"

"She never told you?"

"...she told YOU? Does she hate me or what?" Asuna grabbed her pistol. "Ah, fuck it."

* * *

"Who is that?" Evangeline said, hearing the echoes of their words.

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you."

A wavy image formed, showing Asuna slamming her superior in the chest with the butt end of her pistol.

"HEY!!" Evangeline shook her fist. "That's not the way you were trained to do that, Private!!"

_"Asuna, this isn't working," _came Ayaka from within the distorting picture. _"We have to try something else."_

"If she gives you mouth-to-mouth, I'm leaving."

_"Maybe we should give her mouth-to-mouth."_

"I'm leaving."

Evangeline watched on, smile on her face. "Can't believe how hard they're trying to save me..."

"Why wouldn't they? I mean..." Chisame glarred off to the side. "My team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me."

"Aw...don't sell yourself short," Chisame decided to pat her on the head. After all, she was a head shorter. "I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to heaven for only five bucks."

"...hold on." Evangeline looked up, shaking off the touch. "If you're an angel, where the hell's your wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell," Chisame explained, chuckling at her own joke. But her face returned to normal soon enough. "Seriously, do you have the money or not?"

"I feel the worst about Kagurazaka. I always made fun of her. I never told her that...that she was my daughter."

"No way, she's your daughter? ...wait, how does _that_ work?!"

"Haha, I just wanted to screw with her one last time. Now I won't ever be able to--"

_"She's breathing! We saved Sarge!"_

"I'm what?!"

"She's what?!"

Evangeline stretched out her arms, fading into the fog. "Well I'll be damned. They saved me."

"Hey!! Wait! Come back, we need to even the sides!" Chisame shouted, arm outstretched.

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel! Will I remember any of this?"

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!!"

* * *

In a daze, the Sergeant was able to sit herself up. "There. ...wait, what happened here?"

"Sir, you got shot in the head and exploded, so we have you CPR and saved you."

Evangeline got to her feet. It felt akward, suddenly being the size of a 10-year old. "I always believed in you, Yukihiro."

"...actually, it's Asuna you should thank--she did all the work."

"...Kagurazaka?"

Ayaka nodded.

Evangeline pinched the bridge of her nose. "Asuna Kagurazaka, why the hell would you give someone CPR for a _**BULLET WOUND IN THE HEAD?!**_" She stomped towards the Private. "It doesn't make a lick of sense!!"

Asuna sighed. "...you're welcome."

"I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera?! Hey there, Kagurazaka! I think I feel an aneurysm comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages?"

"...why did I save you again?"

* * *

Days passed before Makie Sasaki returned, but something was...different. Her now light-pink hair, while still mostly down, had been placed into two cute pigtails with green ribbons to match her new eyes. Her new jacket color even matched her hair. "Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color jacket!"

The two other Red privates exchanged glances before Asuna spoke up. "Er...Makie."

"Yeah?"

Ayaka pointed. "About that jacket..."

"What about it?" Makie pouted.

"And the hair...uh...it's...it's a little...Asuna, help me out."

"_It's light pink_."

"Yeah, that's it." Ayaka frowned. "Pink."

"Pink? I may be a girl, but my jacket's not pink! And neither is my hair."

"_Pink._"

"Oh, yeah." Ayaka nodded. "Definitely pink..."

"You guys are colorblind! Why would they put me into surgery, give me pink hair and a pink jacket to go with it?"

"To make it look like you got hit by the cotton candy train!" Asuna laughed.

"...that was dumb," Ayaka grumbled.

Asuna's laughter subsided. "It was a little funny."

"Look, it's not pink, guys. It's...lightish red." She folded her arms. "Always was."

Asuna sighed. "Guess what? They already have a color for lightish red. You know what it's called? _Pink._"

"You guys are so mean!"

Evangeline moved her way up the ramp, Chachamaru following behind her. "Well hello, dirtbags! ...and a good day to you, little missy."

"You're the little one, _Sarge!_" Makie protested.

"Don't get your panties in a wad there, Barbie. Do you have a package for me?"

Makie nodded eagerly, picking up the small box she had set aside. "They said this speech unit should work with Chachamaru-san."

"_Speech_ unit?" Asuna frowned.

Makie handed it to Evangeline.

"Affirmative." Evangeline inspected the box. "Command was fresh out of speech modules when I first started building Chachamaru, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to...no offense, Yukihiro." Evangeline popped open a hatch on one of Chachamaru's ear blades, removing the components from the box.

"Oh don't worry, I know who you meant, sir!" Ayaka smiled, flipping her hair back.

"Wait, Chachamaru is a robot?"

"...duh. You didn't notice she never talked."

"I just thought she was shy..."

"And the fact she sleeps standing up and needs to have a key shoved in the back of her head every day didn't get your attention," Evangeline glarred.

"I...I did think that was odd...I thought she was just trying to impress me."

"The robotic limbs didn't get you either?" Ayaka snorted. "Oh, wait, Sarge--you should really ground yourself before handling that card."

Evangeline sneered. "Come on. That's an urban legend they use to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda's gonna make my stomach blow up!" An electrical spark went off as she inserted the card. "Ack!!"

"Sir...I won't say I told you so, sir."

"_Good._" Evangeline ran her gloved hands through her hair. "I'd hate to make Strawberry Shortcake here my new favorite Private."

"_It's not pink, it's lighting red!!_" Makie screamed.

* * *

Konoka set aside the sponge momentarily, exhausted by the attempts to clean the armor. "Ah, man, uh, you know, this stuff does not come off of armor easy?"

"Yeah." Haruna continued to work at her own pair of armor. "This was a lot easier when it was just my clothes.

"Yeah, I know that, that's,I think because, you know, uh, _you didn't do anything_." Konoka pouted.

"I'm sorry, what? It's kind of hard to hear you over the sound of your constant team-killing."

"Ah...ah..ahhhh, ha ha ha ha.." Konoka let out an almost sarcastic laugh. "Ahhhhhh...don't make me mad."

* * *

"So...what happened to me, anyway? I recall a spider on my head..." Makie began twirling one of her pigtails around her finger.

"Right, that was a grenade," explained Asuna.

"And the last thing I remember, is a loud bang, and then Iinchou fainting..."

"Iinchou?"

"Uh-huh! Yukihiro-san looks like an Iinchou-san to me."

"Ha!" Asuna looked back at Ayaka. "Told you so."

"I did not faint!" Ayaka protested. "...Iinchou, haven't heard that name in forever."

"Done and done!" Evangeline announced, rising to her feet. "Chachamaru. Activate speech unit!"

A whirl. "Buenos días. Y la gracias da por activar mi función del discurso. Soy el número de modelo cero uno cero uno uno tres cuatro ocho ocho dos tres. Me llamo es Chachamaru Karakuri."

Makie blinked. "Am I the only one not understanding any of this?"

"Me llamo es Chachamaru Karakuri."

"Chachamaru! She just said Chachamaru!" Asuna clenched her fist in victory. "I understood that. I can speak Spanish!"

"Chachamaru. _Speak. English._"

"Mi procesador Inglés ha funcionado incorrectamente. Sé hablar solamente español."

"Huh...I think you shorted out his speech unit with that static, sir," Ayaka frowned.

"Maybe Princess Peach here picked up the wrong model."

"For the last time. _Not pink_."

"Chachamaru. I order you to speak a language we understand."

Chachamaru shook her head. "Negativo."

"Well this is just dandy. Chachamaru. How, do, we, fix, your, speech, unit."

"Why are you talking so slow?" Asuna asked. "She understands us just fine. Maybe you should try listening slower."

"...Chachamaru, would you like to shoot Kagurazaka?"

"Sí, Master. Gracias."

"Wait--she said Master in English--hey wait, stop! Uh, alto, alto!"

Ayaka laughed. "Alto means 'tall', you dumbass."

"Then why do they put it on stop signs?!"


	9. 1,9: Last One Out, Hit The Lights

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Chapter 9: Last One Out, Hit The Lights**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document. Oh yeah, Spanish will be designated by slashes instead of quotation marks._

* * *

"As far as I'm concerned," Setsuna stated, "I'm square with you."

Quickly, Blue base became a verbal tennis match between Setsuna and Chisame. Even the other two girls were simultaneously turning their heads to the current speaker.

"I saved you from a life of imprisonment," the ghost shouted back, "How the hell are you square with _me_?"

Heads went to Setsuna.

"Because _I _didn't kill _you _back on Sidewinder."

Heads went to Chisame.

"You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor."

Heads went to...you get the idea.

"Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now."

"No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch!" Chisame cackled. "I guess the joke's on you!"

Konoka butted in. "_STOP IT!!_ Stop fighting!!" she yelled, sounding as if she was going to break into tears. "Can't you see that you're tearing us apart?! _WHAT ABOUT US?!_"

"...what about you?" Setsuna eyed Konoka, not in the least concerned by her tearful eyes.

"We helped you too! And what do we get? NOTHING!"

"Well yeah, but..."

"Yeah, _but nothin'_." Chisame snorted. "Konoe's got a point."

Konoka smiled at the attention. Setsuna found it rather amusing how much Chisame's acknowledgement meant to Konoka...

But onto more important matters. "I helped them get the flag back."

"Yeah, but you were paid to do that." Haruna folded her arms. "We rescued you as a favor. We could have just let you rot in the Red army prison, it wouldn't have made any difference to us."

Dammit, she had a good point. "Fine, I'll stay here as long as it takes to help you guys win this thing. As soon as I have, I'm outta here. What do you need me to do?"

Haruna shrugged. "I have no idea. If you knew how to fix a tank, we'd have you do that..."

Setsuna pondered this for a moment, then nodded. "Okay."

"Wait, you know how to fix Chizu-ne?" Konoka's eyes sparkled with happiness. "_I love you_."

Setsuna couldn't help but notice something vaguely creepy about that statement.

* * *

"Entonces la décias ''tu nos pesos más, yo peso más.' Entonces pusieron los de nuestros cuerpos sobre la escala y fue determinado quién tenía el peso más grande. Después de eso me llamarían Chachamaru la Pesado."

As Chachamaru went on with this story, Asuna couldn't help but groan. "Man, first she doesn't talk at all, and now we can't get her to shut up. Hey, Ayaka, what's she saying?"

Ayaka looked up. "...what're you asking me for?"

"Well, you know...because you're, you're American?"

"I'm not American, you dumbass!"

"But I thought..."

"What."

"...eh, nevermind."

"I'm from Hokkaido!" chimed Makie.

"_Nobody cares!!_"

* * *

"Okay, take it easy, guys," Chisame called. "When I was over at the Red base, I saw that they've already got their jeep fixed. So whatever you do, don't let 'em see us before we get Chizuru back online."

"Okay," Konoka called back. "Even if we get Chizu-ne fixed, we can't turn her over, I mean it's not like we can just lift--"

Within seconds, Setsuna managed to grab the side of the hefty piece of equipment and slam it onto its (or rather, her) treads.

"Oh! Secchan, you're so strong!"

"Alright, since I'm the one least visible, I'm going to head up to higher ground to keep an eye on those Reds. I'll tell you guys if I spot anything."

"Oh! Chiu-chan, can I come with?"

"That kind of defeats the purpose, idiot."

"...what if I'm really, _really _quiet?"

"Do you even understand what the term 'visibility' means?"

"Ahahaha...uhh..."

"Seriously. You don't know what it means, do you."

"...maybeeee..."

"Look, don't hurt yourself. Stay here and try not to swallow your tongue or anything like that." Chisame floated her way to a hill.

"Tell us if you see any movement," Haruna called, moving over to Setsuna, who was welding the tank. "Hey, I suppose if you're helping us, you're not as mean as I thought." She grinned.

"Mm...I wouldn't say I'm mean. I just get hired to do mean things."

"Yeah, but you like it."

"Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do."

Haruna pondered this for a moment. "Soooo let's say I paid you to kill Konoka. You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?"

"Is this a hypothetical discussion..." Setsuna's head turned to the other soldier, smiling, "or should we start talking numbers?"

"Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this anymore."

"Hey, Saotome!!" came the irritated Chisame.

"What?!"

"What the hell is my body still doing up here?!"

"That's part of being _dead_, Chisame!! Your body doesn't really move around much anymore. Maybe you haven't fully grapsed that concept yet!!"

"--ugh, let me rephrase that for you, idiot--why the hell haven't you buried me yet?!"

"Buried? With what? All we have are pistols and rifles. What do you want me to do, shoot you a grave?"

"We probably have--oh, look, why can't you just ship me home? You know, let the loved ones pay a little respect!"

"Well, Chisame, here's your lesbian lover. Sakurazaki, as one of Chisame's loved ones, would you like to pay your respects?"

Setsuna, who had turned to listen to the conversation, nonchalantly turned back to the tank.

"That was a stirring eulogy. Rest in peace, good buddy!"

Chisame glarred at Haruna, before turning to the dead corpse. She hadn't really rotted _too_ badly in the past week, but... "I am not happy about this."

"I have an idea," came Konoka.

No response.

"_I HAVE AN IDEA!!_"

"We heard you the first time, Konoka, we were just ignoring you," Haruna explained.

Konoka ignored this. "Since you possessed that shrimpy girl, and took control of her, why don't you just possess your own body?" She seemed oddly proud of her idea.

Of course, nobody was impressed. "Oh, I see. So that way I would be living inside my own dead body?"

"Uh-huh."

"Unable to move, just, laying there, rotting in the sun for all eternity."

"Yes."

"...okay, Konoe, I'll be sure to get _right onto that_. Retard."

"...you're a mean ghost."

"Dude, you stink," Haruna added.

"What?"

"Your body, it stinks."

"Saotome, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body."

"Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it!"

"_It's a freaking indignity_! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest."

"Get over it!" Haruna rolled her eyes. "You're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?"

"Hey Chiuichii! Look! Birdies! ...why are they flying around in circles?"

"Oh for the love of god..." Chisame attatched palm to face in frustration.

* * *

"Okay, I'll go again." Asuna nodded. "I spy something, that begins with..."

"Dirt," Ayaka stated flatly.

"Dammit! How did you know?"

"Well, because you did rock last time. That's all that's out here, is rock and dirt."

"...yeah, this canyon sucks."

* * *

"How long do you figure until Tex fixes the tank?" Chisame called down to Haruna.

"Not much longer, she said it's going pretty well. The gun's almost working, and then she'll get it moving again."

"Oh that's _fantastic_."

"Why would that upset you?"

"Because as soon as she gets the tank online, she's gonna use it against the Reds, and they're all gonna die."

"The Reds dying is a good thing."

"No, Saotome, it's not a good thing. As soon as we beat the Reds, Setsuna is outta here. And I still haven't figured out a way to get that A.I. out of her head."

"A.I..."

"Shut up, Konoe. ...and if I don't get it out before she leaves..."

"You won't ever find her again?" Haruna blinked.

"Right."

"So what're you gonna do?"

"I guess I'm gonna do the only thing that I can do. I have to warn the Reds before she fixes the tank."

"--wait, you're switcing sides?!"

"Sorry, Saotome, I don't have a choice."

"Chiu-chan, uh...what, what happens when the Reds out here, stop Secchan, and then they come also with guns, and they find us?"

"I'll try to help you as best I can." Chisame faded from sight.

"Does this mean I should try to kill Chiu-chan now?"

"I tell you what..." Haruna sighed. "Kill me. I promise not to come back."

* * *

"Hey."

"Yeah?" Asuna looked up at Ayaka from her laying-down position.

"You ever wonder why we're here?"

"No. I never, _ever_ wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch."

As Chisame drifted into Chachamaru, Chachamaru made a monotonous gurgling noise.

"Huh? What's wrong with Chachamaru?" Ayaka asked.

"I don't care," Asuna said flatly.

"Hey, Chachamaru-san, are you alright?

\Guys, I need to give you...a...warning...wait!/ Chisame grabbed at her throat. \Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!/

"Um...sure."

\No, listen to me! The mean ponytailed woman is going to kill you! She is fixing the tank!/

* * *

"Ah, crap..." Haruna sighed. "Konoka, she's almost done fixing Chizuru. I better get ahold of Chisame and tell her--"

Konoka clasped her hands together in an almost giggly glee. "Oh oh oh! Paru please, Paru, Paru, Paru, Paru, Paru, please--"

"Yes, you can be the one who radios Chisame."

"Yay!" Konoka adjusted her headset. "Calling Chiuichii. Come in Chiuichii. This is your close and personal friend, Private Lingshen."

"Huh? You said your name was Konoka Konoe."

"I never said that, you guys did!"

"What? Why didn't you correct us, then?"

"Because I didn't want to be difficult!" Konoka went back to the headset. "Come in Private Hasegawa. Soldier unit Setsuna Sakurazaki almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness." Konoka cleared her throat. "How is your progression?"

"¡Konoe! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchando mí!" came Chisame's angered voice. "¡No mas puedo hablar español!"

Konoka bit her lip, but quickly reached the conclusion that this coversation wasn't going anywhere. "...sheeee says she wants to talk to you..."

Then came Chizuru. "Thank you for activating the M808B Main Battle Tank."

"Shit," Haruna cursed under her breath, "We got trouble."

* * *

"Un tanque..." Chisame signaled with her hands that what she was talking about was massive in size, "_Grrrande!!_"

"Hey, I think if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak the language," Asuna stated, rolling her eyes.

"What country?" Ayaka leaned her head back. "We're on an alien planet."

"What're you, a Communist?"

That's when the missle decided to make friends with the base, causing, of course, a blast of a nice size.

With a "boom" and everything.

"_**SON OF A BITCH!!**_"

"_**SON OF A BITCH!!**_"

"_**¡MADRE DE DIOS!**_"

* * *

"Okay, I'm getting really sick of asking people what's going on through that sniper rifle," Haruna complained, placed next to Konoka on the top of the ledge of Chisame's body.

The other girl pouted. "Chiu-chan is getting mad at us."

"Well that's a nice change of pace."

* * *

Knowing an attack was coming, the shrimpy Sergeant buckled herself into the jeep. "Ayaka Yukihiro! I'm coming around in the Warthog. Get ready to take the gunner position when I come by!"

"Roger that!" Ayaka saluted.

"I'll uh...I'll stay here."

"Yeah." Ayaka glarred. "Stay here and guard the cement ramp. It's _vital _to our success."

As promised, Evangeline skidded around to the front of the base and stopped long enough to let the taller blonde land herself onto the back of jeep. "Alright, I'm on board!"

"A'ight, here's the plan--"

Of course, missle met jeep before any words could come from Evangeline's mouth. "_**JUNEBUG!!**_"

Now that the Warthog was broken, _again_, the two Reds made a break for it to the secured ramp.

"Wow, back so soon?" Asuna cracked a smile. "You guys win the war already?"

"Yeah...Sarge, did you want to finish telling us the plan now?"

"If we survive this..." Evangeline's eyes were filled with nothing but pure evil, and the smile didn't help matters much, "I'm going to kill both of ya..._slowly_."

Asuna leaned towards Ayaka, whispering, "Uh, hey, Ayaka? By the way, the ramp is secure."

There was another shot from the blast-happy Chizuru.

Makie poked her head from the hole atop the base. "Hey, what're you guys doin' up here!?"

"The chick who was in the black armor's back!!" Asuna called.

"What chick, the one that stuck the grenade to my head?"

Ayaka confirmed this with a nod.

"Oh...I've been waiting for this!" Makie gracefully flipped to the top of the base. "Hey bitch!!" She darted to the edge, sliding a grenade from her pocket. "Remember me?! I saved something for ya!!"

Her arm prepaired for an overhand toss that managed to soar to the center of the canyon, latching right onto the driver's lap.

Setsuna knew exactly what was up. "Ah _crap_!"

Back at the edge of the base, Makie laughed, raspberrying the screwed soldier and pulling her bottom eyelid with her index finger. "Nyaaa! Three points, you _dirty whore!!_"

The grenade succesfully caused a blast.

"¡Dios mío, NO!" Chisame skidded from the base top to her injured ex. "¡Setsuna, Setsuna!"

"Uh..." Asuna's brow quivered. "Where's Chachamaru going?"

"To fight the enemy, head on, in hand to hand combat. Mano e mano. What a brave little compadre." Evangeline bowed to the charging Chisame. "Chachamaru, I never understood a word you said. But I do know one thing. You hated Kagurazka, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amiga... adios."

"Shouldn't we help her?" Ayaka asked.

"Naw..." Evangeline smirked. "That'd just ruin the moment."

* * *

Panting, Chisame managed to make it down the hill to the bleeding Setsuna to pop the tank's hatch open and pull her out.

"Chisame, is that you...? It's..." Setsuna coughed. "It's gone, Chisame. The AI is gone...thank you..." Her eyes shut for one last time.

* * *

"Crap. Chisame is gonna be pissed, and now she's got a body to kick our ass. C'mon, Konoka, let's get back to base."

"I told you-ne, my name isn't Konoka." Her voice lowered to a menacing tone. "My name is...Chao Lingshen."

**END PART ONE**


	10. Omake: Now Stop Asking!

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 1/Omake: Now Stop Asking!**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu._

* * *

I'm sorry I haven't gotten to part 2 yet. School just started and it's eating up a lot of my time, but I will start up again.

A lot of people have been asking me, "who will you use for insert role here?" and I'm getting pretty tired of answering this question. I wanted to let the characters pop up themselves for suspense, but I've already told most of you who's going to be who.

So without further ado, here's the entire cast list including people who have already been introduced.

* * *

**Red Team**

Evangeline A.K. McDowell as _Sarge_

Ayaka Yukihiro as _Dick Simmons_

Asuna Kagurazaka as _Dexter Grif_

Makie Sasaki as _Franklin Delano Donut_

Chachamaru Karakuri as _Lopez_

**Blue Team**

Chisame Hasegawa as _Leonard L. Church_

Haruna Saotome as _Lavernius Tucker_

Konoka Konoe as _Micheal J. Caboose_

Setsuna Sakurazaki as _Freelancer Tex (Allison)_

Chizuru Naba as _M808V Main Battle Tank Sheila_

Misa Kakizaki as _Kaikaina "Sister" Grif_

Collette Farandole as _Blarggity "Junior" Blarg-Tucker_

Nekane Springfield as _Captain Butch Flowers_

**The rest...**

Chao Lingshen as _Omega "Doctor O'Malley"_

Ako Izumi as _Frank "Doc" DuFresne_

Chamo as _Andy_

Zazie Rainyday as _The Alien_

Kazumi Asakura as _Vic/Vic Jr._

Sayo Aisaka as _Jimmy_

Negi Springfield as _Agent Washington_

Yuuna Akashi as _Agent Wyoming_

Mana Tatsumiya as _Agent York_

Kotaro Inugami as _Agent South Dakota_

Natsumi Murakami as _Agent North Dakota_

Fate Averruncus as _The Meta_

Sakurako Shiina as _The Red Zealot_

Satomi Hakase as _Gamma "Gary"_

Yue Ayase as _Delta_

Chachazero as _Epsilon_

Nodoka Miyazaki as _Walter Henderson_

Shizuna Mintamoto as _The Counselor_

Albireo Imma as _The Director_

Konoemon Konoe as _The Chairman_

Madoka Kugimiya as _Joanes_

Takamichi T. Takahata as _Lieutenant Miller_

Takane D. Goodman as _Phil_

* * *

There, you kids happy now?


	11. 2,1: Everything Old is New Again

**Red vs Blue: The Mahora Gulch Chronicles**

**Part 2/Chapter 1: Everything Old is New Again**

_All credits to the original script go to Rooster Teeth Productions, and all characters are credit Ken Akamatsu. I own nothing but how I arranged the words on the document._

_Short chapter this time, so I can get this back up and running again._

* * *

"Come in Blue Command, come in."

The grey-haired female was sitting at the edge of the canyon, overlooking the concrete structure easy recognizable by its blue flashing lights. Tapping her headset idly, she was greeted with nothing but radio static. "This is Medical Officer Ako Izumi. I have reached Mahora Gulch Outpost Alpha, do you read?"

A voice was trying to crackle through, but it merely sounded like gibberish.

The purple-clad medical officer frowned. "Say again, Blue Command...I do not read."

Once more, talking, but nothing that sounded like words.

Still with her hand attached to the headset, Ako frowned. "Blue Command...um...please boost your transmission to match communication protocol, Echo, Bravo--"

Finally, the static died down and was replaced with a familiar bouncy, cheerful tune. "Yo, I hear you, calm down dude, what's goin' on?" The voice, along with the words, sounded more like a stoned female teenager than any person in position to represent Blue Command. "Hello, yo, can you hear me, hello."

"Uh..." Ako's yellow eyes flickered left and right. "Roger than, Command..."

"Sorry 'bout that, I was in the elevator, this thing doesn't work so well in there." The sound of someone sitting was heard. "This is Kazumi Asakura, _what's goin' on dude_?"

"Roger that...uh..." Despite the fact facial expressions couldn't be seen over sound-only communication, Ako smiled akwardly. "Is this Blue Command?"

"Oh yeah, man, sure, totally! What's goin' on?"

Still convinced she had the wrong number, Ako leaned back. "You sure, the Blue Command base."

"Hey dude, _take it easy_." Kazumi sounded tense. "You called me, I didn't call you!"

"Um, I know, it's just..."

"It's just _what, __**dude?**_"

Ako gulped. "Ah...n-nevermind. I'm just letting you know that I've reached Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha." Removing her hand from the headset so she could use it as support to stand, she continued. "I'm going to make contact with the Blue Squad members."

"Blood Gulch, eh?" If a smile could be heard over radio, then that's what Ako was convinced the exhale noise was. "Alright, let me look here, see what it says...Blood Gulch..." After some indistinguishable gibberish, Kazumi seemed to have found it. "Alright, here we go. Says here you wanna make contact with Private Saotome, ask her about their wounded dude."

"Roger that, any other orders?" Ako began to descend the canyon, down the slope for easier access to the ground.

"Anything else, yeah okay...yeah it says here whatever you do don't--oh, okay. Nevermind dude, I'm not supposed to read you that part, okay, just uh...you'll be okay, just uh, be very careful. That's all."

Skeptical, Ako nodded. "Great..."

"Alright then." Some tapping. "Well it's out goal here at Blue Base to provide excellent customer service, and I hope that I have done that today. Uh, if you have any further questions about this radio transmission, you can just um, you know call back, say 'Dude, I've got some questions, what's goin' on.' Over and out." With that entirely unnecessary speech, the transmission ended.

"Alright..." Ako glanced back at the base. "Private Saotome..."

* * *

"Hey Chisame, we have a problem..."

Chisame Hasegawa growled something to herself, before turning to Haruna. "I am not your mother. Don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!"

"But Chisame, I'm telling you!" Haruna Saotome let out a whine. "She's crazy! She keeps threatening me, and talking in a scary voice!"

Konoka Konoe's brows furrowed. "No I didn't!"

"Oh, so you're saying you _didn't_ threaten to cut off my head and give it to Chisame as a birthday present?"

"...you know what?" Konoka frowned, crossing her arms. "I think you're taking my words a little out of context!"

"What context?!"

"Listen guys..." Chisame Hasegawa rubbed her head in frustration. "This competition thing has got to stop, okay?" A green eye flickered open. "I thought we'd established by now--"

"Excuse me," piped Ako, who had run to Chisame's side.

"Hey, pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here."

Ako gulped.

"Anyway...I thought we'd established by now, I don't like either of you, mmkay? So stop competing for my attention, it's not gonna do you any good, okay?"

Figuring the weird robot-looking girl with the orange hair's speech was over, Ako tried to get her attention again. "Excuse me..."

Chisame turned to face her. "Okay. Yes. Hello. Who're you."

Konoka Konoe's eyes narrowed as she turned her head to the teal-clad female next to her. "_Don't ever be alone._"

Inching away, Haruna Saotome looked at Chisame with a sense of urgency, "She's doing that _thing_ again!"

Watching the exchange, Ako continued. "Um...my name's Izumi. Uh, are you Private Saotome?"

"No, I am _not _Private Saotome. I'm Hasegawa. _This _is Private Saotome."

Seeminly getting over Konoka's creepy stare, Haruna waved. "Yo!"

"And our friend over there?" Chisame jerked a thumb at Konoka. "That's Konoe. Or, Chao, or whatever the hell she's callin' herself."

Konoka gave the group a vacant stare. "Why did you introduce me second?"

"Because she hates you," was Haruna's answer.

"I received your call for a Medic," Ako said, pointing to her small metal nameplate designating her status.

"Medic..." Konoka looked to the blue sky. "That was like three months ago..."

Haruna folded her arms. "What'd you do, _crawl_ all the way here?"

Ako rubbed the back of her head. "Um...I came as quickly as I could...where's the patient?"

With a no-nonsense face, Chisame pointed to a set of objects behind Ako. "Well, she's about fifty yards behind you, and six feet straight down."

Ako turned to face the objects in question--two tombstones, nothing engraved on them, and looking like a hunk from the base was taken to make them. "...oh. Um..." Awkwardly, Ako turned to face Chisame. "I'm sorry about your loss..."

"Wha--oh, yeah...yeah, thanks..." Being that she was mechanical, Chisame could not blush, but Ako could tell that she would be. "It was tough, but, well, what're you gonna do..."

"We didn't like her very much," Konoka interrupted, then added in a whisper, "_She was mean to other people_."

Ako found herself looking at the other tombstone. "...who's that in the other grave?"

"That's me," Chisame responded flatly. "I'm in that grave."

"...uh huh...'course." Despite the overwhelming evidence in support of Chisame's claims, Ako found herself skeptical.

"See, uh, he, got killed by this uh, crazy runaway tank..." Konoka began to tap her fingers together.

"Or by the idiot driving it," Haruna smirked.

"Oh yeah, and then she became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body, uh, oh! And then we had to uh, uh, dye her hair to make it brown, and now she is alive again, and she is a bionic woman. ...who has brown hair." Konoka ended her speech with a childish grin.

"Right, and it took us six weeks to get her Spanish setting turned off," Haruna interjected.

"No esta completamente apagado, bendejo," Chisame added after something inside of her clicked.

"I'll go get the Spanish dictionary..."

Ako lifted a finger. "Wait, so, no one here is hurt?"

Chisame shrugged. "No, we're fine. In fact, I feel better than ever." She tapped the two metal devices at the side of her head. "See, whenever these two idiots really start to bug me, I can just turn my ears off. Couldn't do that before."

"...you said they were shorting out..."

"What's that, Konoe? _**I CAN'T HEAR YOU.**_"

"Well then...let me just check you two out and I'll be on my way," Ako said, sliding a small palm pilot-looking object from the pocket of her purple vest.

"Whoa... check us out? Is this gonna be one of those things where I have to turn my head and cough?" Haruna asked, furrowing her brows.

Ako held up the scanner, pressing some buttons on it. "No, I'm just going to check your vitals."

Konoka smirked at Haruna. "I bet I have better vitals than you." She then turned to Ako. "...what's a vital?"

"On your way?" Chisame stepped forward. "I don't think so! Aren't you here to join our squad?"

"No, I'm just here to help with Tex and then assist in the canyon as needed."

"First of all, great job on the Tex thing. Mission accomplished." Chisame appeared more agitated at the mention of Setsuna's codename. "Secondly, the way that we need you to assist, is to help us kill all the Reds."

Ako rubbed the back of her head. "Well, even if my orders don't prohibit me from doing that...I still wouldn't. I joined the army as a conscientious objector."

"...a what?" Haruna adjusted her glasses.

"I'm a pacifist, basically."

Konoka looked rather confused. "You're a thing that babies suck on..."

"No Konoka, that's a pedophile," Haruna corrected.

"Saotome, she means a _pacifier_," Chisame correctly corrected.

"Oh yeah. ...I was totally thinking about something else..."

"Real classy, Saotome."

The scanner bleeped. "Well, everyone here checks out. I'll come back and check on you before I leave. Which way is the Red base?"

"Why?" Haruna inquired. "You said you weren't gonna fight 'em."

"I'm not. Resources are low, so I'm on loan to both armies to help whichever side needs me at the time."

"...that's lame," Chisame huffed.

"I'm just gonna go to the Red base and see if they need any help."

"Well, if you're gonna go up to Red base, I'd recommend putting away that little medical thingy of yours." Chisame motioned to the scanner. "They see you walking up carrying that thing, they're gonna shoot it right out of your hand."

Out of nowhere, a bullet slammed right into the medical scanner with enough force to send the broken device from Ako's hand.

"Yeah," Chisame sighed. "Just like that."

Another shot flies past.

"_**SCATTER!!**_"

* * *

"Nice shot, cupcake," the blonde vampire smirked.

"Thanks, Sarge!" Makie Sasaki giggled.

With the machine gun spitting, Ayaka Yukihiro grinned. "Take it, Blue!"

Blocking Ayaka's target, Asuna Kagurazaka moved to her feet. "Yeah, sneak attack!"

"Sit down, monkey, I can't see!!"

"Pack up your knickers, ladies," Evangeline A.K. McDowell's smirk formed into a grin. "Let's go get 'em."


End file.
